The moment Russ pushed a finger inside me, I came. I know that sounds hard to believe—weirdly, I think Tyler’s terrible technique was so distracting, that I was able to focus my anxieties on that, without worrying about making the right moves and the right noises. It was a little like being high. When I heard Russ unzipping his fly, I moaned again. I’d never wanted to be touched, to be fucked, so badly. It was as if I was starring in my own porn, in my head. I’d seen porn—never with Neal, who looked quite nervous when I’d once suggested it. But I’d fantasised, alone, about being objectified and desired, about men who would see me and be overwhelmed by the need to fuck me. I’d never felt this much pure lust, focused completely on me.

Nearly every man and boy I’d ever known had dismissed me (Dad) or teased me for being a nerd (school) or simply looked straight through me. Even Neal was disappointing. When I met him at an event early on in the term (forgive me, I think we called it Freshers Pre Lash!!!!!) I would have happily had mediocre sex in his single bed, and then been content to spend the rest of the year hiding behind a friend if ever I risked bumping into him in the library. After weeks of earnest courting, Neal took my chin into his hands and said ‘I’m going to kiss you now.’ At the time, I wanted to believe it was adorable. Too late, I realised that Neal used exactly the same intonation when he said things like ‘This is how we will make the experiment a fair test.’

But Russ was behind me, inside me, grunting furiously, sounding how I felt and wanting, wanting, wanting. Then Tyler was cupping my face in his hands too. He didn’t ask me anything or warn me of anything—he took his dick out and guided it straight into my mouth. I closed my eyes and wondered what this looked like from above, wondered about all of the people who would love to make themselves come with us, if only they could see us. I was wild. As I felt Tyler pressing hard against the back of my throat, I remember thinking something silly; I could marry a vicar next year, and I’ve still done something crazier and sluttier than most people. All my life, I’ve worried that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I wasn’t hot enough, that no men would want me. But in that moment, two men wanted me at once!

Tyler pulled away abruptly and made a pained face. ‘Sorry, nearly came,’ he explained. I wouldn’t have minded but was strangely touched by his unexpected courtesy. Russ came to a stop. ‘We could come on her tits,’ he suggested. Only now do I realise he almost never addressed me directly.