‘I don’t know. No, not the bullet journalling—I don’t think that’s for me,’ I say, shaking my head and hands as Louise starts to pull a rose gold notebook from her bag, ‘but ambition, it confuses me. If you’d asked me a few years ago, I’d have said that I was extremely ambitious. I think I had a lot more self-belief, and I’m not sure why, or where it came from. Now, I’ve spent so much time trying and failing that I’m not sure what I’m allowed to want. I love being at The Know. Well, I don’t hate it.’

‘Well, of course you love it. You’ve got this massive following now, you get to go on TV. You’re growing your profile.’

I grimace, a little, thinking of my nascent media career and the fear/relief cycle I’m stuck in. ‘Well, I love writing. All I want is to get paid to write all day, and ideally not get trench foot again. Oh, Louise, I don’t know what to tell you. I don’t think I have any good advice. Just, maybe, give it another month? I’m sure this part is the most stressful bit. Maybe when we’re a little bit more established, Harri will give us some more freedom.’

‘You might be right. Thanks Immo, it’s been good to get it off my chest, anyway. Shall we go back?’

We amble back to the office, me making neutral noises as Louise tries to sell me on the virtues of bullet journals. Am I ambitious? Can I make a place for myself in the world, without pushing anyone out of my way? I think of what Louise might do if she left The Know, her privilege, the power she holds by way of default, the back-up plans she has. I couldn’t leave if I wanted to. I have nowhere else to go.

Chapter Thirty

Cachet

Imogen

Back at my desk, I’m staring down the barrel of a hundred Slack notifications when something—someone—makes me jump. Harri.

‘Imogen? Quick chat?’

Instinctively I flinch. A ‘quick chat’ means I must have done something wrong.

I follow her to her desk where she sits down—I stand—and yet she retains all power.

‘So, Imogen, what are you going to do for us next?’

‘Well, I’m setting up some interviews with those feminist porn directors, and I’ve got…’

‘The threesome piece did brilliantly but we need to beat it. Our traffic needs to keep growing. And the numbers on your latest pieces haven’t been so strong.’

‘Well, I don’t think they were ever going to be as…you know, clicky…’