It’s simple. I just need to focus on my goals, dreams and aims, while…subduing the enemy, without fighting. I will not rise to Tabitha’s constant needling, I will smile and nod and say ‘sounds interesting’ while pretending that I’m interviewing her for a piece on being a massive bitch. And with Harri, I’m going to…power pose? Was that it? I think I have to stand in the doorway with my hands on my hips, and speak in a low voice, because women betray themselves by using too many upward inflections, and that’s why we don’t get pay rises. Anyway, I have ideas. Good ideas. Pieces I’d be really excited to write. I’ve been thinking about The Girl, too. The Girl is ambitious, and in control. The Girl pleases herself, she isn’t obsessed with pleasing her boss, as though she’s constantly trying to placate a bad boyfriend.

Opening my notebook, I feel very pleased with myself. Staying at Sam Strong’s cuts my commute by almost 70 per cent, and I have used the time wisely.

1.Slow dating, and the new intimacy. Emails and DMs from our readers indicate that they are burned out, bewildered and exhausted from the effort of trying to maintain modern love and sex lives—and the gulf between single and attached women is growing. This would be a call for slow dating, a celebration of tenderness and a validating rally cry, letting our readers—The Girls—know that they are not alone in their craving for intimacy, and that there is an Industrial Dating Complex which is profiting from their alienation. It will include tips and advice about how to embrace emotional needs and date in an empowered way, but ultimately liberate the reader by showing them that they are not alone.

2.An absolute beginner’s guide to masturbation. We’ve assumed The Girl is a confident masturbator and sex tech spender—reader comments indicate a split. We get many queries from readers who are anxious about spending a lot of money on a vibrator and don’t know where to begin. This would frame masturbation as a confidence boosting, joyous aspect of our relationship with ourselves. It would be a chance for us to talk about how orgasms don’t have to be the ultimate goal—I think some of our readers have orgasm anxiety, and we need to speak to that.

3.Listicle—Cluedo—What to make of the items you find—and don’t find—in your partner’s bedroom. John Waters said, If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em. If they own the The Art Of War…(I don’t know? Have a word with yourself? Oh, bugger.)