I came back and lowered myself again. Kat came at me a little harder this time and I could feel myself going over, so I leaned into my right arm and aimed my kneepads at the ground. I tried using the momentum of the fall to keep rolling and then push myself back up onto my skates, but I could only get into a push-up position before resting on my knees and getting back up one skate at a time.

“Not bad, rook,” Kat said. “If I’d hit you a bit harder and you’d actually been skating, you probably would’ve been able to get back up in one go.”

Determined to show her I could take anything she threw my way, I replied, “So hit me harder, then,” I said. Give me all you got.

Her eyebrow peaked. “You sure?”

“Perfectly sure.” This is what I’m here for.

“Okay, you asked for it.…”

Her next hip check came in at about 120 percent, give or take. I flew so far across the track the others stopped to look.

Stunned at first, I took a second to sit up. My hip seared where Kat had hit me, and I had to blink to feel upright again. I got up as quickly as I could to show I was fine and sent Kat a thumbs-up. I could already anticipate how deep that hit would sink into my muscle, and the thought brought a kind of relief—relief that I’d been right about all this, that roller derby could bring back the release I needed.

She laughed as I skated over and gave me a fist bump. “Nice, rook. Way to play through the pain.”

More like play for the pain.

Several hits and falls later, I was getting the hang of absorbing Kat’s monumental sideswipes and rolling into my fall, then back up to standing position. Even when I didn’t manage a successful “drop and roll,” I still got some satisfying hip tenderness out of it. Some of the others had continued to watch us. Even better, at the end of the drill, Kat said, “You did good, rook. You’re even tougher than I thought.”

This acknowledgment felt like a golden light from heaven beaming down on me. I tried not to let my pleasure show, though, making sure that my toughness extended to my face.

But then she added, “Just remember when to be tough. You bring it when you need to protect your team.”

This was obviously a reference to Gwen and dimmed the glow of her previous compliment. Clearly I’d fucked up, and though I realized I still needed to learn a lot about being on a team, I didn’t get how putting up with some girl’s bullshit helped the team. But knowing I needed Kat’s approval, I kept my mouth shut for now.