“I was in the car too… when my parents died. For a long time, I’ve felt like the accident was my fault. It doesn’t make sense, I know, but I was brought up to be strong and instead I was weak and they fought and the car crashed and they both died.” My words rushed out and my voice faltered, but I kept going.

“I guess—I guess I got it into my head that I needed to be tougher—harder—after that. And the bruises…” I looked away for a moment. Admitting this part wasn’t easy. “The bruises made me feel better and worse at the same time. They helped keep everything down… but also made me feel like shit afterward.” I found her eyes again. “But then you made it so easy to be softer. And that felt so good, but also scary. And then Kat—it’s not really her fault—it was just easier for me to go back to being hard. But that didn’t work either. Nothing seemed to work.”

My voice was shaking and my cheeks were wet. I remembered I was in a bookstore, where anyone could walk in at any moment, and wiped my eyes with my coat sleeve.

Shanti placed her hand on my hip. “Something must have worked. You’re here, now, doing something that seems really hard for you.” I felt her hand press lightly into my body. “But you’re still doing it.”

Placing the book I’d been holding onto the display table, all I could get out was a “Yeah.”

“I’m glad you told me all that.” She paused, tentative. “Have you… told anyone else about the bruising?”

I shook my head. I hadn’t shared this part of things with Priam and Vicki or Fee. It might have been weird, but I was more ashamed of the way I’d been bruising myself than I had been about my part in the accident. I was at least starting to see that the accident hadn’t been my fault entirely, but the bruising—I couldn’t blame anyone else for that except myself.

“I’m not pressuring you to—but it might be something to think about? Maybe? I mean, what do you think?”

Her questioning tone and hesitations told me she really wasn’t trying to pressure me, and I was grateful for that. I just didn’t know if I was ready to tell anyone else. Telling Shanti seemed the easiest—even if it wasn’t easy—since she’d already known about it. But telling Priam and Vicki… I couldn’t imagine what their reaction would be.