“Mad at you?” I couldn’t help but interrupt. “How could she be mad at you?”

“Because I made her go back. Just so we could get hurt again. And because I still can’t bring myself to hate my mom. I don’t think Kat has ever forgiven me for any of it. It’s why I’m a ‘lost cause’ to her. Why I’m such a disappointment.”

Shanti looked so sad. I wanted to comfort her but was just trying to wrap my head around all this. I got the part about needing to be strong, about wanting to protect yourself—I really got that part. But I hated the way it showed up between Shanti and Kat. Being strong shouldn’t hurt the ones you love, should it?

Shanti wiped her face and started the engine. “You think I put up with too much from Kat, and maybe I do, but I know deep down she’s just terrified. Of me getting hurt. Of getting hurt herself. How she shows that is messed up, I know. She’s basically trying to bully me into doing things her way. Shitting on me herself because she thinks I let people shit on me too much. It’s completely ass-backward.” She shrugged. “It’s complicated, I guess.” Looking at me, she added, “But I do have my boundaries with her—I just don’t bother when she’s drunk like she was tonight. There’s no point.”

She put the car into first gear. “Sometimes her strength can be positive, too, you know? She’d do anything for the team.”

I guessed that was one way Kat and I differed. I’d never had a team to fight for. I’d been listening to Shanti, partly confused by all the complications, but also experiencing moments of recognition—of seeing myself in Shanti’s descriptions of Kat. Toughness to protect from hurt. Hurting to protect from hurt. The realization tightened my throat as we drove away.

I didn’t want to just leave Shanti hanging, though, so I swallowed back the ache and offered, “Thanks for telling me.”

“I just wanted you to know where all that was coming from. And that I’m not as weak as you may think. As you both may think.”

I faced her. Her eyes were trained on the road ahead, but I could see in her set jaw and the lift of her chest how strong she really was. “I’m sorry—if I ever made you feel like Kat makes you feel.”

Eyes still facing forward, she said, “Thanks.”