“Yeoul. Why do you talk like that? Such a tone! Well, considering the culture of the household you were raised in, I understand. Your father’s financial situation is probably better than mine, so you should stay with him. Be nice to him. He is a slave to his desires, that poor man. Don’t mention seeing me, he might not like that and lash out at you. I hope you do come back to see me, but after you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. I hope that day comes soon. Goodbye.”

As I open the door and walk through it, I hear her immediately start singing behind me. It’s as though she’s been dying for this inconvenient intruder who ruined her holy morning to leave.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.

That saved a wretch like me.

I regained my lost life, and received the light

Blessed by Amazing Grace.

You lift me up from the swamp of Sin

I thank Thee.

…

Over there in Eternity

Basking in the Sun of Amazing Grace

Bright as the Sun we shall sing.11

Oh, so amazing, I’m sure. Oh, so blessed. I lean against the wall to listen to her sing. Amazing Grace. She sings better than Jo Sumi,12 but Jo’s singing style is too contrived. For the life of me I can’t sing (I’m always out of tune), but my mother is a great singer. Further proof I inherited my lecherous father’s blood, not my noble mother’s. No wonder I didn’t inherit her dimples.

I pray to God to keep my emotions still. I want to be able to control my tears, this hurt—what did I do to deserve this? Fuck. I should’ve memorized the Lord’s Prayer or something. Our Father who art in heaven, please let my feet move. O, I thank Thee, my shoes are moving me. O, dear God. Fuck you, my mother’s so-called God! Whether You art in heaven or on this earth doesn’t really matter. Father, you motherfucker, you made my life to be your plaything. Did you steal my mother from me, too? Did you command her to sing? Did you damn her to sing for all eternity? Is that her sacred mission that she serves now? Was it you who turned her into a wind-up doll that has to sing or go mad and kill herself? You narcissist motherfucker! Did you turn her into this nauseatingly composed human being? So suspicious and cold to her own daughter? What torture devices did you use to train her to become the kind of person who doesn’t even cry upon seeing the daughter she abandoned at three?You cruel motherfucker! Fuck, did I screw up coming here? Did I do this all wrong? Is this my fault?