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Back Before My Actual Heart Breaks Save as PDF
Chapters (48)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 2007
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 1973
  9. 3
  10. 4
  11. 5
  12. 6
  13. 1982
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. 20
  28. 21
  29. 22
  30. 23
  31. 24
  32. 1998
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 2004
  37. 28
  38. 29
  39. 30
  40. 31
  41. 32
  42. 33
  43. 2007
  44. 34
  45. 35
  46. 36
  47. Acknowledgements
  48. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

I don’t know if he was trying to look smart or grown up or what, but by the time he realised he’d made a mistake it was too late to turn back. Father Kevin was a bit teary – and what of the sanctity of human life that Jesus teaches us? he asks. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t look at Joe. I had cried over that story, cried more when Mammy had hooted as she read it out of the paper, delighted that they had lost one of theirs and one of ours hadn’t even had to risk themselves. But Joe couldn’t back down, he would lose face, and that face was working so hard to look macho and uncaring that it was ugly to me for the first time. His sneer was slipping and his ears were on fire but he held on to being smug even though a few pals were shouting at him for being such a DICK.

Father Kevin put a stop to it eventually and took Joe aside for a talking-to, calling in Sister Pious and one of the Belfast men as they withdrew to a side room. A few of the girls looked at me, me, and tutted and rolled their eyes in disgust before they turned to walk away. Why was it always my fault when someone else was being a dick? I only loved Joe Loughrey and Lizzie Magee, I didn’t operate them! I wasn’t their keeper! And then I was looking at Thursday night.

10

Lizzie reasoned that he had had some sort of conniption fit, brought on by all the blood running to his willy. I scolded her for making light of it and she backtracked with stories of how young lads get all wound up listening to the men at home and in the pubs and how they’re apt to repeat stuff they’ve heard even if they don’t mean it. I didn’t like my voice, it sounded like Mammy.

–  If you don’t mean something, you shouldn’t say it!

–  He was showing off! Trying to look hard to impress you! He’s never been a dick before! Come on!

–  He doesn’t know me too well if he thinks I’d be impressed by that bullshit talk. I hate all that ‘us’ and ‘them’ and who’s to bloody blame. We have to live in the middle of it, do they ever think of that? I mean, for Christ’s sake, when did somebody dying get funny or have I missed something?

–  You haven’t missed anything, but just calm down, Mary! Joe was just being a knob, he wouldn’t have meant it.

–  He’s a tosspot!

–  Aye, he is, but he’s still your tosspot!