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Back Before My Actual Heart Breaks Save as PDF
Chapters (48)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 2007
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 1973
  9. 3
  10. 4
  11. 5
  12. 6
  13. 1982
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. 20
  28. 21
  29. 22
  30. 23
  31. 24
  32. 1998
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 2004
  37. 28
  38. 29
  39. 30
  40. 31
  41. 32
  42. 33
  43. 2007
  44. 34
  45. 35
  46. 36
  47. Acknowledgements
  48. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

Instead, I had a fresh set of shackles on the way. I blamed John, of course. It takes a husband to give you a baby and that’s what he was whether he liked it or not. It wasn’t easy to block out my part in it. But in a way it wasn’t my fault, it was breeding. Mammy was right, I was weak material. I should never have allowed him in but I didn’t have the strength to keep him out.

I looked across the concrete floor of Johns Farm, my vista for the foreseeable future. Serena and Bridie were going over her three-times tables, getting faster and faster with every repetition. Three times seven is twenty-one, says my daughter. That’s the age your mammy was on her last birthday, says Bridie. Happy key of the door to me!

22

The twins turned out to be two hefty baby boys and another one followed within eleven months. I didn’t even know I was pregnant again ’til three months had gone by. My body hadn’t lost the slight softness they had left behind before it was filled up again. Each son was more gorgeous than the last, all dark hair and wide little backs, their clavicles like the buds of angel wings. I called the twins Eugene and Marius; number three was Shane. I gave birth at home with Bridie to help me; the thought of going all the way to Omagh Hospital seemed ridiculous. John paced up and down outside the door ’til Bridie cleaned up before he brought Serena in to meet each new member of the gang.

–  Do you remember me being born, Dada?

–  Of course I do! Sure that was a great day!

John Johns greeted each arrival with a glow of pride and talk of having to extend the house again. He lifted them off me as soon as they were dry and kissed them over and over, anointing their perfect fingers and toes. The boys became ‘my boys’, just as Serena had become ‘my girl’. I vowed each baby would be the last but I couldn’t resist the smooth skin over the muscles in his back as he held himself above me. He always waited for me to turn back to him again in the bedroom where he was tenderness itself as he licked the pearls of milk from my nipples.