She was coming back and soon. How magical to be able to come and go as you pleased. It made Johns Farm seem even more like a prison, a prison with trees and hills and velvet fields as far as the eye could see. I stood in front of the half-door with the widest, brightest smile I could muster and waved and waved, bye, bye, bye, bye. Lizzie’s tail lights disappeared up the narrow lane, dragging another fingernail of meat from my heart.

I had missed out on everything: all I had to my name was my daughter. My days were filled with wondering how it would be remotely possible to slap her beautiful little face, to light it up with stripes and tell her it was for her own good. It would never happen, never. If I was not going to be anything else, I was going to be a good mother. I would buck every child-rearing trend I’d learned at Sadie Rattigan’s hands.

Lizzie’d be going home to a bit of craic, probably beans and chips and all the love she could handle. Any time she wanted to nip out and go to the shops she didn’t have to think about how dangerous it was, how anything could happen to a little girl. She had university and London in her sights and her whole life ahead of her. She was out in the bars of Carncloon having a drink and a dance now that she was all grown up, all grown up and managing just fine without me.

I roared in at Bridie to put the kettle on. Poor wee Serena nearly jumped out of her skin! I needed tea to keep my stomach from twisting and my mouth from letting out the howl that was travelling from my toes. I wouldn’t be letting it past my lips: someone might hear it and call an ambulance. Only someone close to losing their mind would be able to produce such a pitiful sound.

19

When John Johns had finally trained me how to look after his farm to his high standards, he went back to the building sites full-time. I was happy to work hard, it let me sleep soundly, and John was pleased he had scored a strong, biddable girl to leave in charge while he earned some decent money.