John had taken his sons out in Belfast. They had told all the old tales of Bridie over pizzas and beers and laughed ’til they cried. They still missed her. I had a flashback to the man I had seen weeping in Omagh, the man who wanted me to hold his hand, the man who had worried about me in case he never came back, the man who made me promise that I would visit. The man who had looked at me with … what on his face? What was that on his face? Why could I still not read him?

Oh! They had so much news! I breathed in, my chest rattled in protest, but there was something I needed to know, something I was quite desperate to know. I’d given them their lines. They’d carried my message straight to him like good little pigeons. I wasn’t put off by the fact that Serena hadn’t been hopeful. Hope was my friend! Hope was my harbour! Hope was the only nail not in the coffin.

–  Tell me … did he ask about me at all? About how I was doin’?

–  No.

–  Did he say he wanted to give us another go?

–  No.

–  Is he comin’ home?

–  No.

33

One by one my sons went back to their lives. Their father was not coming home. He had told them not to wait, he wasn’t going to change his mind.

You should get out more, says Number One son. You shouldn’t fret so much, Ma, says Number Two son. You’re too sweet for this world, says son Number Three. Daniel thought he might as well sign on with Darragh Magee who was thinking of starting up a taxi business. I was back on my feet and able to work, after all. He would be home every night to keep me company. Ma, I’ll not be leaving you for months, he says.

The little house emptied out and the range went cold. I left it like that for days ’til I was pig sick of waiting for an electric kettle to boil. John didn’t come home, he didn’t call, he stayed true to his word as always. Serena tells me she’d never experienced him so tight-lipped. Your mother and me chose silence over sense, he told her, that’s all there is to tell. Her and the boys aren’t showing any signs of distress over the fact that we’ve parted company. Auntie Eileen just broke out laughing when I wondered aloud why they weren’t at least shocked. For God’s sake, Mary, she says, those waynes were brought up in a house on fire!

The greenery outside mocked my blackest blues. I pulled myself together and went back to the fields. There’s nothing like having no choice to focus the mind.