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Back Before My Actual Heart Breaks Save as PDF
Chapters (48)
  1. Cover
  2. About the Author
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. 2007
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 1973
  9. 3
  10. 4
  11. 5
  12. 6
  13. 1982
  14. 7
  15. 8
  16. 9
  17. 10
  18. 11
  19. 12
  20. 13
  21. 14
  22. 15
  23. 16
  24. 17
  25. 18
  26. 19
  27. 20
  28. 21
  29. 22
  30. 23
  31. 24
  32. 1998
  33. 25
  34. 26
  35. 27
  36. 2004
  37. 28
  38. 29
  39. 30
  40. 31
  41. 32
  42. 33
  43. 2007
  44. 34
  45. 35
  46. 36
  47. Acknowledgements
  48. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

My mother breathed out and the air whistled slowly through her still-pursed lips. She was trying hard not to lash out and it was costing her. She couldn’t believe how brazen I was, neither could I. I braced myself for the slap that would help her get her point across, but she was at the door before she turned.

–  We’ll see about who owns it tomorrow when we take you to Doctor Brown.

He’d make no difference. He wouldn’t be able to help me. And Joe’s daddy worked in the same surgery; he would be bound to find out. I could feel the vomit rising to burn the back of my throat. Joe would kill me when the news got back to him. I should have kept him happy, should have kissed him again while I had the chance. And Lizzie Magee: she would definitely kill me for not telling her that I’d done it.

And Daddy? Oh Jesus, my daddy. Would he stick up for me? Would he be the man of the house at last? How could I explain to him that I had handed my mother another stick to beat him with? I hoped that he wouldn’t cry anywhere where I might see him; my heart wouldn’t take it.

I sobbed myself to sleep after that. I was glad for the first time ever that Kathleen was away in Derry so I didn’t have to waste any energy trying to hold it in. I let it all out. Knowing that I’d let myself down, knowing that Lizzie Magee might bin me, knowing that Joe Loughrey would have to forgive me, having to face the consequences of one stupid night, not even a whole night. Twenty minutes? Thirty minutes? I didn’t even know how long it took to make love – it couldn’t be less than baking a sponge cake, surely?

12

Monday dawned with a brilliant-red sky. Daddy was a robot eating porridge. Mammy rubbed at her stomach where the kept-for-best underpinnings pinched her hard. Matthew looked from him to her to me and was finally told to get out and see to the beasts. Your father has to take your sister to Carncloon this morning, she spat, and I have to go too whether I like it or not. With that she took the mug of tea out of his hand and smashed it against the sink. I hardly moved but Matty and Daddy leapt out of their chairs as if they’d been whipped. They both looked at me for the first time that day.