Damn her for making me smile. From the first moment I met her, she could crack me up. Everything about her is warm, from her red hair and rosy freckles to her huge brown eyes like Ginger Nuts. I loved being near her. She made me feel coloured in.

I saw Joe collecting his dinner later. He’d been crying, I could tell, even though he still had his Provo face on. To make up for the blotchy neck he carried his tray in one hand and kept the other one in his pocket, like he had a grenade in there and could throw it at any minute to set the whole of Ireland free. Bloody stupid little dickhead; if I wanted an idiot I’d get one anywhere. I expected more of him. He was supposed to be better than me and my weak material: a better class, a gamble worth taking.

It took Lizzie Magee nearly three hours to wear me down. She brushed my hair as she talked me into it. He was just flexing his political muscles, this was his first time away from home too. He was probably a nervous wreck at the thought of the night ahead. Sure he was only young, as young as us? He was just being a lad. With every repetition it seemed a lesser crime; she kept telling me I knew him, that I knew he wouldn’t know how to be unkind, and I found myself nodding, yeah, yeah, he was a good boy with a good heart. He had been good enough to pick the likes of me, I should be grateful. And tonight was my first step towards America; we’d be bound together before we got to the boat.

I waited ’til nearly 11pm. I hoped he’d wait for me. I hoped he’d give up and go to bed. I hoped I wouldn’t be sick with fear. Lizzie and me watched Sister Pious cast one last glance into each room. She was secure in the knowledge that, with her by the exit doors and the French assistant helping two Christian Brothers keep guard on the other side of the compound, all was well: our reputations would make it back to the countryside intact. Lizzie held out a cherry drop and I let her put it on my tongue like Holy Communion. She spun me round and kissed me on the back of the head and after a quick hug propelled me forward. I was instantly lonesome. She pulled me back and tucked the rubber johnny into my bra, choking on her giggles. I promised myself I’d get even one day.