We set out, me in my wellies, she in Daniel’s, even though he made a face that looked like someone had been sick straight into his mouth when she slipped her American Tans into them. By the by, she did something even stranger than seeking my company, she linked arms with me and drew me near. I got a whiff of the warm-elastic smell of her, felt the fierce grip, the sheer strength of her after a lifetime of work and wallops even though she was nearly eighty. A tough old bird with a lifetime of bugbears stuck in her craw.

–  Well? Are you going to spit it out?

–  Mary! Really! You’re so cold sometimes it’s shockin’!

–  I’m cold? What do you want?

–  Well, if you must know, I’m having a bit of a problem … you know, ah, down below.

–  Down below?

–  Down below.

–  Down below where? Front or back?

–  Front. Something’s definitely wrong.

–  Have you been to the doctor?

–  Well no, I thought it might get better but it hasn’t and I think I might have to go away for a few days to get things sorted …

I couldn’t quite believe that I was having a conversation about my mother’s private parts. She was so private it seemed impossible that she would have private parts. I swallowed a smirk and bemoaned the fact that I would never get to tell Bridie that Sadie Rattigan had taken her front down below for an airing in the river field! She’d have split her sides! The whole kitchen would have been sprayed with cake crumbs!

–  Could you be a bit more specific, Mammy? Is it an infection, an itch or something else?

–  It’s the same as Mrs Calhoun across the way, needs an operation.

–  You think you have a prolapsed womb?

–  KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN!

–  We’re in the middle of a field?

–  The point is I’ll be needing help up at The Hill and now Bridie Johns is out of the picture you might remember who had the trouble of rearing you … who sorted you out when you had your little problem …

–  Don’t even say her name! You horrible, horrible old woman! Why would I want to help you? WHY?

–  Because I’m asking you for help, Mary. You! You should be grateful!