The light went out. My heart snapped shut and I reminded myself for the thousandth time not to forget my place. I was a charity case: nothing more, nothing less. I swallowed the disappointment. I wasn’t his and he wasn’t mine. He didn’t want to see me or hear from me. I’d failed to keep the promise I’d made myself – don’t drop your guard ever again. I carried his mother’s ring to my daughter, his girl, the only girl he’d ever have, without another word. The freeze was back on.

Bridie was always going to be an absence, a pair of pink bedroom slippers that could never be filled, but life moves forward. Serena went back to London after a week and the twins left for college in Leeds, two more holes for me to fall in. My body felt tender as they pulled off the street waving and waving from the back of the car, it was like being kicked in the stomach. At least they’ll be together, I consoled myself. I felt as if my head was full of wool; I couldn’t think straight but I kept going, a robot – make the dinner, wash the plates, repeat – feeling nothing.

John was no better; he had a scowl that only lifted when Shane or Daniel talked to him, then he would force a smile and give them an auld hug or two. But with me, he was even more withdrawn than usual; we danced around each other in separate ballrooms. When we made love it was all about the battle to get there rather than the joy of being on the road. We were both bruised by it but we kept at it, night after lonely night, every kiss another goodbye. And bad though it was, even that wasn’t the worst side effect. With Bridie ousted at last, my mother had taken to visiting.

She had hardly left my kitchen since the funeral. I couldn’t stand it, it was a double blow, no Bridie at all and twice as much of bloody her. Didn’t she know that I had work to do? Didn’t she know I wasn’t listening? Why didn’t she have work to do? She must want something, something more than doing my head in?

–  Was there something you wanted, Mammy, only I have to get on?

–  Ah Mary, you’re back from the fairies! Well now, well now … there is something I need to talk to you about. A private matter – maybe we should walk a little?

–  Walk?

–  Yes, walk.

–  Where?

–  The river?