I knew I would die if they were given away. The thought of anyone but me and Mick burying their faces in the kittens’ soft furry sides made my head feel funny, as if I had water in my ears. It wouldn’t happen, it couldn’t happen. I had been so careful, so very careful.

Mammy stopped Daddy at the back door before he got his wellies off. She spoke low to him. He nodded and turned. When she came back through the kitchen without looking at me, I knew she knew and I knew where he was going. He was going to put them in a bag and leave them on the linkbox of the tractor until he could drive them deep into the Cloon Valley. They would be wandering around, hungry and scared and thinking that I had let them down.

Maybe I could make him take them down the lane to Mrs Johns – she’d look after them for sure? I ran for the door before Mammy could stop me. She collared Mick who was already crying. He was shouting for me to run, run quick! RUN, MARY, RUN! Kathleen wasn’t there and Liam, Dominic and Brendan were too scared to move. Matthew was crying too. He’d pay for that later.

By the time I got to the barn I was blinded by tears. I knew Daddy wouldn’t be rough with them. The mammy cat was crying; the low auld sound of it went straight through my guts. But it was okay, there was no bag, there was no bag, just Daddy, sitting, stirring, stirring, stirring.

He had filled the bucket with water and near the top a swirl of black and white and ginger went round and round with his stick. I ran for them, knowing that it couldn’t be too late, it just couldn’t. Before Daddy could stop me I had one in my hand, my little ginger-bellied Angel, but he was soaked through.

–  You’ll be alright, you’ll be alright, you’ll be alright! Wake up, wake up!

–  Mary, don’t! Mary, don’t! Mary, don’t!

My kisses weren’t making it better – maybe it would take Auntie Eileen’s kisses but she was far away. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t ask him why or how could he? To my Angel? The scream got out of my head and tore around the barn.