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Chapters (59)
  1. Bad Friends
  2. Copyright
  3. Dedication
  4. Epigraph
  5. AFTER: DECEMBER
  6. BEFORE: JUNE
  7. Chapter One
  8. Chapter Two
  9. Chapter Three
  10. Chapter Four
  11. Chapter Five
  12. Chapter Six
  13. Chapter Seven
  14. Chapter Eight
  15. Chapter Nine
  16. Chapter Ten
  17. Chapter Eleven
  18. Chapter Twelve
  19. Chapter Thirteen
  20. Chapter Fourteen
  21. Chapter Fifteen
  22. Chapter Sixteen
  23. Chapter Seventeen
  24. Chapter Eighteen
  25. Chapter Nineteen
  26. Chapter Twenty
  27. Chapter Twenty-One
  28. Chapter Twenty-Two
  29. Chapter Twenty-Three
  30. Chapter Twenty-Four
  31. Chapter Twenty-Five
  32. Chapter Twenty-Six
  33. Chapter Twenty-Seven
  34. Chapter Twenty-Eight
  35. Chapter Twenty-Nine
  36. Chapter Thirty
  37. Chapter Thirty-One
  38. Chapter Thirty-Two
  39. Chapter Thirty-Three
  40. Chapter Thirty-Four
  41. Chapter Thirty-Five
  42. Chapter Thirty-Six
  43. Chapter Thirty-Seven
  44. Chapter Thirty-Eight
  45. Chapter Thirty-Nine
  46. Chapter Forty
  47. Chapter Forty-One
  48. Chapter Forty-Two
  49. Chapter Forty-Three
  50. Chapter Forty-Four
  51. Chapter Forty-Five
  52. Chapter Forty-Six
  53. Chapter Forty-Seven
  54. Chapter Forty-Eight
  55. A CONVERSATION WITH CLAIRE SEEBER
  56. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
  57. About the Author
  58. By the same author:
  59. About the Publisher

‘Well –’ He held the ends of my scarf in both hands, loath to abandon responsibility. ‘You know, when you come back, I think maybe you should see someone. You know, to talk. I’ll get you some numbers, okay?’

‘Seb!’ I felt quite desperate to get out of the pub; away from the noise, the heat, the bustle and the smell of beer. The cheerful air that I could not absorb. I felt like a cardboard cut-out among these fleshy rounded mortals. Oh God. Gently I freed myself from his hold. ‘Are you saying you think I’m mad too?’ I tried to laugh, but his bony face was solemn.

‘No, of course not. But – I just wondered – you know, because of your mum –’

‘Seb! I’ve had one breakdown. I’m not going to have another.’

‘One breakdown?’ He stared at me. Like a stone flying from a kid’s catapult, my words hit their target. ‘When?’

‘Yes, one breakdown. In the summer, after the crash. Look, sorry, Seb, but I can’t do this now.’

‘Okay.’ He was flummoxed. ‘Just promise me you’ll drive carefully, babe.’

‘Of course I will.’ I tossed my scarf over one shoulder as if I were Amelia Earhart. Truly carefree.

‘And call me as soon as you get there, please.’ He rubbed his face wearily. ‘I feel really odd about this, babe. I wish I could come too.’

‘So do I.’ I smiled bleakly. ‘But you’re better off without me.’

‘Don’t say that. Look, Maggie, are you really sure you –’

‘I’ll ring you, okay?’ Before he dissuaded me I shot to the door, Digby trotting in my wake. I didn’t look round.

When I reached the car, I locked the doors and put the stereo on loudly. The gorgeous strings of Vaughan Williams’s The Lark Ascending, normally so uplifting, only accentuated the fact that I hadn’t felt so desolate for such a very long time. Not since that day in June when Alex and I had ended it; the day I’d climbed onto the coach. I listened to the music for a moment, staring blankly at the damp brick wall beside me, watching water suddenly spurt from a broken pipe below the arched roof. Then I laid my forehead on the steering-wheel and wept. I cried until no more tears would come – until finally I dried my eyes and, grim-faced, picked up my phone to make a call.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Seven