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Back A Terrible Kindness
Chapters (77)
  1. Landing Page
  2. A TERRIBLE KINDNESS
  3. Dedication
  4. Contents
  5. ABERFAN
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. 11
  17. CAMBRIDGE CHOIR
  18. 12
  19. 13
  20. 14
  21. 15
  22. 16
  23. 17
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. FAMILY BUSINESS
  38. 31
  39. 32
  40. 33
  41. 34
  42. 35
  43. 36
  44. 37
  45. 38
  46. 39
  47. 40
  48. 41
  49. 42
  50. 43
  51. 44
  52. 45
  53. 46
  54. 47
  55. 48
  56. 49
  57. MIDNIGHT CHOIR
  58. 50
  59. 51
  60. 52
  61. 53
  62. 54
  63. 55
  64. 56
  65. 57
  66. 58
  67. ABERFAN
  68. 59
  69. 60
  70. 61
  71. 62
  72. 63
  73. 64
  74. 65
  75. Acknowledgements
  76. About the Author
  77. Copyright

‘No,’ he says, ‘I wasn’t there. You were, but me and Mum got there too late.’

‘You don’t remember at all?’ Robert seems incredulous.

‘I remember you both leaving us on our own with him, but he was already dead. And Mum was so upset we’d missed it. She was talking to him, and I was embarrassed for her, because I knew he’d already gone.’

He’s suddenly at the edge of a precipice, a feeling that something’s coming to push him from behind. A pulse is thumping in the ball of his right foot.

‘That’s not what happened, William,’ Robert says.

Howard gently puts his beer down on the table.

‘Your mum had been at the hospital all day,’ says Robert. ‘We’d been looking after you. She called us early evening and said we needed to come. When we got there, she was in quite a state. She hadn’t eaten, hadn’t even had a cup of tea or been to the loo. We said she should take a few minutes.’

‘She didn’t want to,’ Howard said, ‘but she went anyway.’

A smell: antiseptic, something sickly sweet. A cloudy glass on the bedside table. Wanting to leave with his mum, but wanting to stay. The door to the memory flies open and it’s all there before him.

His dad has lost so much weight, his hip bones make miniature mountain peaks under the sheets. His face is all juts and dips. No longer Robert’s identical twin.

Robert lays his hand on Dad’s arm. Howard’s firm hands are on William’s shoulders, pushing him gently towards the bed.

‘If you don’t say goodbye now, you might wish you did later.’

His dad’s eyes open. His neck twists to face him. A bony hand lifts slowly and rests briefly, clumsily on his head, before sliding off. How light and weak it feels! This hand that tickled and lifted, cuddled and played.

‘Where’s Mum?’ The voice is as weak and clumsy as the hand.

‘Having a wee and getting a cup of tea.’ It all sounds so silly and he wishes he hasn’t said it.

‘She’ll be back in a flash, Paul,’ says Robert gently.

His dad’s finger points at each of them. ‘The Three Musketeers.’

‘What’ll we do without you?’ Robert strokes his dad’s arm, his voice all over the place. Howard remains behind William but his hands tighten on his shoulders.

His dad’s lips are cracked and his pale tongue keeps trying to lick them. Robert takes a tissue and dowses it in water, then dabs it on his lips. Paul lies still as his brother tends to him, then raises his hand again. He’s going to speak.