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Back A Terrible Kindness
Chapters (77)
  1. Landing Page
  2. A TERRIBLE KINDNESS
  3. Dedication
  4. Contents
  5. ABERFAN
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. 11
  17. CAMBRIDGE CHOIR
  18. 12
  19. 13
  20. 14
  21. 15
  22. 16
  23. 17
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. FAMILY BUSINESS
  38. 31
  39. 32
  40. 33
  41. 34
  42. 35
  43. 36
  44. 37
  45. 38
  46. 39
  47. 40
  48. 41
  49. 42
  50. 43
  51. 44
  52. 45
  53. 46
  54. 47
  55. 48
  56. 49
  57. MIDNIGHT CHOIR
  58. 50
  59. 51
  60. 52
  61. 53
  62. 54
  63. 55
  64. 56
  65. 57
  66. 58
  67. ABERFAN
  68. 59
  69. 60
  70. 61
  71. 62
  72. 63
  73. 64
  74. 65
  75. Acknowledgements
  76. About the Author
  77. Copyright

The film of sweat cools on his forehead. The cul-de-sac is full of parked cars. They lean on their bonnet in silence. The fresh air helps bring him back to himself, his surroundings. Her hand on his shoulder is gentle and so is her voice, but he senses she’s angry.

‘Get in the other side. I’ll drive, but not yet,’ Gloria says, soft but firm, slipping her hand in his jacket pocket for the keys. ‘I’ve got things to say and you need to hear.’

Once in the car, he stares through the windscreen, exhausted. A gust of wind whistles through the air vent.

‘They must hate me.’

‘No.’

‘Course they do. At least now they’ll know I’m right about not wanting children.’

She twists urgently in her seat towards him. Her eyes are fierce and full of intent. They stare at each other for a moment, him braced against what’s to come. Then her breath heaves in and out and she turns back to look out of the windscreen. ‘I have never told anyone why we haven’t got children’ – she speaks quietly now – ‘but you know what really pisses me off? Not that you don’t want children, or wake up screaming. Do you think I could love anyone as much as I love you – who wouldn’t be touched by the horror of what you saw?’

‘What then?’ he asks, just wanting to get home and sleep.

‘That you don’t have to put up with this. It’s one thing in our home, our bedroom, but William, you scared me today. You could have hurt the baby.’ Her voice wobbles. ‘I just know there’s help out there.’

‘I won’t let it happen again. Clearly, I’m not safe with children.’

‘Yeah, you tell yourself that.’

The unfamiliar tone of sarcasm gets his attention. ‘What do you mean?’

‘You’re scared of getting help, because of what else it will uncover. This isn’t just about Aberfan.’

‘Here we go.’

Gloria shakes her head, laughs an unpleasant laugh. He unwinds the window.

‘What drives me crazy,’ she says, ‘is that you can’t bear anything to be more than one story. You’ve blighted our marriage because you say you couldn’t bear to suffer like those poor parents of Aberfan. Well, you know what? You’re a bloody hypocrite.’

He didn’t expect an attack. She’s normally so gentle after an episode. A cat strolls onto the pavement and flops down into a plank of sunshine. Physically depleted, all he can do is stare at it.