He had already friended me online, and my stomach sank at the idea of having to write back to him after I left. But I couldn’t burst his bubble that night. I already felt guilty for letting him think I liked him. I didn’t want to be a tease. So when he drove the car to an isolated parking area somewhere along the beach, I tried to act like I wanted him, too. I think I was too good at pretending, because he took my hand and put it in his pants and asked me to touch him, and I didn’t know what to do except to do it. He reclined the driver’s seat and I had to lean over toward him across the gear shift, which gave me a good view out his window at the ocean in the distance, all shifting shadows beneath the starry, blue-black sky. I tried to focus on that—the suggestion of white froth as the waves rolled onto the sand, the expanse of that moving darkness—until he made a strangled kind of sound and jerked in my hand.

Afterward he reached in the glove box for some tissues, which he gave to me so I could wipe my hand. I told him I should probably go back to Haley’s house, and he seemed content to drive me back. I was relieved he didn’t try to do anything more.

I didn’t feel dirty, exactly, but I felt guilty, as if I had lied to him. He sent me messages for a couple of months after I left, but I responded very slowly, and then I stopped responding at all. I told Tasha and Haley that he had stopped messaging me. When they said I seemed sad about it, I told them it was because I liked him, but he probably thought I was just a summer fling.

After the experience with Nathan, I decided not to date anyone at school. I didn’t want my friends to get involved in any relationships I might have. I didn’t want Tasha and Haley to ask me for details or to gush about any boy I might like. I didn’t want to be the subject of gossip or rumors the way other girls were.

I broke my own rule too soon.

Chapter 14

Joan was gone by the time I came downstairs on Friday morning. Analemma was sprawled on the rug in front of the cold woodstove in the living room, and her tail thumped against the floor as I bent down to pet her. In the kitchen, Joan had left a check for Steph on the table, weighted down with the salt shaker.