I didn’t resist when he urged me to sit down on the sand, and then to lie down, my dress becoming damp all along the back where the sand was wet. I didn’t resist when he put his hands on my breasts; I didn’t resist when he lay on top of me and rubbed his erection against my crotch. In a way I liked it, even though I had no feelings for him. I was both elated and distant, physically present but mentally detached.

I was relieved when he didn’t try to take off my dress. I would have said no. I would have resisted then, but I was glad I didn’t have to. After a while we got up, and I tried to brush the sand off my dress, and we went back to the bonfire. I remember Haley’s and Tasha’s glittering eyes smiling at me, and Haley whispering in my ear, “Your lip gloss is smudged.”

—

During the rest of my two weeks on Martha’s Vineyard, I saw Nathan several times. There were bonfires almost every night, and we’d sneak away to make out, moving gradually through the bases. Although I got used to the taste of his mouth, and I got used to the sensation of his erection pressing against me, I knew early on that I wasn’t going to develop feelings for him. He was cute, but he didn’t light a spark in me; there was only the satisfaction of knowing that I turned him on, and that wasn’t enough.

Haley and Tasha seemed to be more into him than I was. They couldn’t stop gushing about him—his abs and his hair and his smile—and sometimes I wondered if one of them actually liked him. But at the same time, they were so enthusiastic about me being with him. They went out of their way to make sure we had private time together, covering for me with Haley’s parents when I got back late from a walk with Nathan. And they wanted endless details about the making out, which I did my best to provide.

I could tell that Nathan really did like me, and I was glad that I was only on the Vineyard for a couple of weeks. If I was staying for the whole summer, like Haley and Tasha, I’d have to break up with him because I knew he wanted to do more than make out, and I didn’t.

On the last night I was there, Nathan borrowed his parents’ BMW to drive us to get ice cream in Edgartown. As we walked along the waterfront, looking out toward Chappaquiddick, he took my hand and said, “I want to keep in touch.”

“Me too,” I lied.