We didn’t write anything more personal. I wondered if Lisa ever picked up Steph’s phone. We had canceled our plans for tonight, and I wondered what Steph would do instead.

I was leaving in two weeks. A gaping hollow opened up inside me as I imagined myself saying goodbye to Steph. Would she come out to Woodacre for that or would we go to In-N-Out one last time? The hollow had pull, like a black hole. I didn’t want to imagine this. I wanted to stay—not necessarily in California, and definitely not at the hospital, but in this bubble of time when Steph and I were real, when we were together.

I was exhausted, but I remember feeling a queer sense of clarity, as if a lens had just come into focus, and all at once I could see who I was becoming as opposed to who I once was. I was split in two: my future and my past. I wanted to remain here on the edge between my two selves, doubly exposed, all hunger and heart.

Chapter 43

I was still in the hospital waiting room when my phone rang. It wasn’t Steph—it was Haley. Surprised, I answered the call. “Haley?”

“Tasha told me she told you.”

For a second I didn’t understand what she was talking about. A couple of seats away from me, an elderly man was sitting alone with a portable oxygen tank.

“Don’t tell anyone else,” Haley said urgently. “Please.”

“There’s nothing wrong with it,” I said. “Why do you think there is?”

“I don’t,” Haley snapped. “It’s just not me. I’m not gay.”

Her voice sounded loudly through the phone, and the man with the oxygen tank glanced at me. I got up and moved toward the exit, passing a woman trying to comfort a little girl with a broken arm.

“Are you there?” Haley asked.

“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong? You sound weird. Are you weirded out by this?”

“No, I’m in the hospital. My grandma’s in the hospital.” I made it out of the foyer and through the automatic doors to the covered entrance.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. Is she okay?”

“She had a stroke. My dad’s here, too.”

“Wow. This is a bad time. I’m sorry.”

I walked toward a bench just outside the portico and sat down, looking at the parking lot. “It’s okay,” I said. “I’ve been meaning to call you. I’m just waiting right now anyway.”

“Tasha said she visited.”

“Yeah.” I imagined Steph’s truck pulling into the parking lot. I imagined seeing it from a distance, glimpsing the shadow of her face through the windshield.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Haley said. “I feel like this has messed everything up. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Tasha’s misinterpreting everything.”

“I thought—she said you hooked up.”