“That’s all. Friends.” The word sounded so strange to me now, the s on the end like an insinuation.

“You know we can’t be more than that.” She actually sounded apologetic.

“Because of Lisa.”

“Yeah.”

“What happened when you got home?” Pushing on the bruise.

“That’s between me and Lisa.”

“You’re still together.”

“Yes.”

“But you want to be my friend.”

“Yes. What happened between us—” She made a frustrated sound. “Look, I was there. I know what happened. I can’t deny I wanted it, but I’m not—I’m with Lisa. You and I can’t be more than friends.”

My heart began to race. I can’t deny I wanted it.

When I said nothing, she continued: “I would feel so bad if you took this the wrong way. I know you’re just coming out, and it’s got to be a confusing time for you. I didn’t mean to fuck it up even more. I really want you in my life. Let me make it up to you.”

Beneath the curling red bark, the trees’ green interiors looked like skin, soft and supple.

I asked, “What do you mean?”

“Tomorrow . . . let’s talk in person.”

“Where?”

“Do you want to meet for dinner in Fairfax? How about at the Thai restaurant?”

I felt all the blood in my body pulsing in response to her voice. I put my hand on the nearest tree’s green skin. It was cool and smooth. Madrone, I remembered. These were madrone trees.

“What do you say?” she asked. “Tomorrow night?”

I had hesitated to respond, but there was never any chance I’d say no. “Okay.”

“Great. How about seven? And there’s no movie tonight. Sorry about that. We just need some time.”

I wasn’t surprised. “Okay.”

“But I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” I repeated.

The call ended, and Lana Del Rey was singing “Gods & Monsters.”

That ache: If I could bottle it, it would make you drunk.

Chapter 31

Bangkok Thai was only a couple of buildings down from Bolinas Café, where Steph had performed during that open mic. I got there way too early and sat restlessly in Joan’s car in the parking lot until the appointed time. I had been reluctant to tell Joan I was meeting Steph for dinner; it felt like she’d be able to tell it wasn’t a casual thing, and if she was still feeling bad, I wasn’t even sure if I should go. But I hadn’t had to tell her anything. That morning Joan said she felt fine, and she made plans to go to Spirit Rock that night with Tony. He picked her up at a quarter to six to take her to the community vegetarian dinner before meditation.