I looked at him and made myself feel the urgency of his words. I realized I hadn’t trusted him, not until now. I’d spent the last six months lost in memories about Jessica, and reflecting on all the things she had done to be deemed untrustworthy, rather than reflecting on all the things boys and men had done to me, and the women I knew, to make me not trust them. The hurt came from them, not Jessica. Never Jessica. She had just as many scars as I did, if not more. I blinked through wet eyelashes, at this man in my life, who I believed to be different...better...or so I told myself. I realized I had to trust him, in order for this to work. But that should’ve been the bigger leap of faith. Not trusting my best friend, who understood it all in a way Ben never could.

“I trust you,” I said.

I finally trust you.

Then Ben kissed me. Even though I’d given him a glimpse behind the curtain, he still kissed me. I whimpered in relief, falling into his mouth, crushing him into a hug, promising myself to let go from this moment. To believe. In him. In myself. If only it wasn’t too late for me and Jessica.

32

now.

Fern: Jessica. I am so, so, so sorry. I don’t have the words, apart from sorry ones. Please call me. xxx

Fern: Hey, thought I’d give you a few days to let things settle down. But just sending a message to say that I am thinking of you, and our fight, and I’m sorry again. Here whenever xxx

33

now.