Ben and Jessica were sitting on the bed. Their eyes widened at my arrival, their heads twisted around, gasps flew out of their mouths. They sprang apart, but a split second before they’d been sitting right next to each other, their heads so close they were almost kissing, and the shock on their faces... I knew. I knew so clearly I’d walked in on something. The end of my life. The inevitable.

“Fern?” Ben’s shocked voice.

“Fern!” Jessica’s frantic eyes.

I turned and fled.

18

december 2004

Jessica pulled two bottles of wine from her bag like a magician doing a trick. “Look what I’ve brought,” she singsonged, holding them up. “Do you have any glasses?” Without asking, she rummaged around and found two dirty mugs. She swilled them with water using my corner sink, and filled them to the brim.

“Jessica, it’s only four o’clock.”

“Come on. It’s my weekend away. Help me experience being a student properly.”

And when had I ever been able to say no to her?

We started drinking and chatting, and the walls of my unfamiliar life faded away and it was just us again. Jessica pulled up a new song while draining her third drink. “This is the song we both need right now.”

“I Hate You So Much Right Now” by Kelis blasted out of my speakers—her anger visceral and familiar—and we both laughed.

“We should request it tonight and sing it to that Danny guy while kicking him in the balls,” she said.

I stopped laughing and perched on the side of the bed. “Yeah, about that.”

Jessica came and joined me. “About what?”

“The Danny thing. I know he behaved like a dick, but I’ve been thinking about it, and maybe I gave him the wrong message? Like, I never admitted to him how I really felt about him. I just went along with the ‘fuck buddy night’ storyline. I’m hoping maybe...” I felt the wine hit my bloodstream. With the winter sky black outside, it didn’t feel like late afternoon. “...maybe if I was honest, maybe we could get together? Like, he’s still so sweet to me, and still asks me to study with him all the time. What if I’ve just given the wrong impression?”

Jessica tilted her head as she thought about it. “I don’t know, Fern. It was pretty cold, what he did.”

“But he didn’t know I was a virgin. He thought I was happy doing something casual.”

“Hmm.”

“I still really like him, Jessica.”

“Hmm.” She drained her mug of wine and wouldn’t make eye contact.

“You get to meet him later,” I said, grabbing a straw. “He’s got tickets to the same night. Maybe you can analyze him for me? See if you think he has feelings for me?”

She nodded. “And, if he doesn’t, I’ll kick him in the balls.”