BooksBarbecue
Back When We Were Friends
Chapters (52)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. About the Author
  5. 31
  6. 14
  7. 31
  8. 14
  9. 31
  10. 14
  11. 31
  12. 14
  13. 31
  14. 15
  15. 31
  16. 16
  17. 32
  18. 16
  19. 32
  20. 17
  21. 32
  22. 17
  23. 32
  24. 17
  25. 32
  26. 17
  27. 32
  28. 18
  29. 32
  30. 18
  31. 32
  32. 18
  33. 32
  34. 18
  35. 32
  36. 18
  37. 32
  38. 18
  39. 32
  40. 18
  41. 32
  42. 18
  43. 32
  44. 18
  45. 32
  46. 32
  47. 33
  48. 33
  49. 33
  50. Acknowledgments
  51. Discussion Questions
  52. Booklist

Every time I heard the word “azure.” Every time a Disney song or Carole King played. When I saw people from school who I didn’t like have nice things happen to them online, and people from school I did like have horrible things happen to them, I wanted to tell her. When I finally met Ben, I wanted to tell her about him so much.

Then she came back. Then she left.

And, when I found my wedding dress, she was the first person I wanted to tell. And when I got accepted onto my Level Four counseling course, it was her I wanted to celebrate with. And, when my period was late, and Ben and I had to have these weird, initially petrified, and then giddy talks about what to do, she was the first person I wanted to tell. And when that period came seven weeks later, including a cluster of cells that should’ve been our baby, she was the first person I wanted to tell.

Because she was the only person who ever truly knew me, and me her. Who understood what we’d shared, how we’d laughed, the jokes we’d made, haircuts we’d seen, growing up-ness we’d done. The pressures we were under—both visible and less visible. Some getting better, some worse, as the world changed and us with it. A man can’t ever understand a woman like another woman can—especially the women who knew you as a girl.

I wanted to tell her everything, every day, especially how sorry I was...

But she didn’t want to be told.

33

now.

I look for Jessica everywhere. Every time I see a nice dress, or a cool coat, or a good fringe, my heart ignites. But it’s never her. I can’t walk past the part of the park where we fought. My shame is scorched into the earth there, leaving me with intense self-loathing about the things I’d said.

“To some degree, I get it,” Ben has reassured me. “I mean, you shouldn’t have said the stuff you said,” he continued. “But you know that, that’s why you’ve apologized. And, considering the things that happened when you guys were younger, I can sort of understand why you’d be suspicious.” He’d leaned his forehead against mine. “No need to worry about anyone leading me astray though,” he’d said. “I hope you know that, Fern.”

“I do.”