Immediately I started sobbing. The hugeness of my misjudgment, and its implications, ripping through me.

“Jessica and I...we had a fight...” I managed, before another wave of sobs hit me.

“A fight? About what? Where is she? She just ran after you? Seriously, Fern, I’m worried about you. What’s going on? Where are you?”

His concern added to my heartbreak. If only he knew: how little I trusted him, what I hid from him, the mess he thought he was in love with. I didn’t deserve this man, especially if I kept lying to him.

“I thought you might be sleeping together,” I half whispered. “You and Jessica. I accused her of having an affair.”

“What the fuck?”

“...because, Ben, I am an insecure, jealous mess and I try to keep it from you because it’s disgusting and pathetic, but it’s the truth. I thought you definitely wouldn’t want to marry me once you’d met Jessica. And I also think it’s because you’re still in love with Tiffany, or maybe you just don’t love me enough, but I’ve been going crazy for months because I am crazy and...and...”

...and then I couldn’t speak anymore. I was crying too hard. The relief at finally having said it all combined with the self-disgust, and the knowledge that saying it would definitely ruin everything.

I expected the phone to go dead. Ben didn’t speak for a very long time, as I howled, alone, in my mess on the ground. Until, finally, he sighed and said, “Fern, I’m worried about you. Please come home so we can talk.”

And a tiny shred of light broke through the undergrowth and shone on my face.

Ben sat against the bed on the floor, he shook his head again. “I still can’t believe you thought I was cheating on you.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” I closed my eyes, dropped my head. We’d been talking it out since I came home, covered in tears and guilt. The sun gently baked our flat as I told my boyfriend everything, finally. My insecurities. My jealousy. My paranoia. And everything that had happened between Jessica and me. We’d started chatting in the bedroom, moved to the kitchen, cried together in the sitting room, but now we were sprawled on the floor by the bed, and in a completely different place.

“I was doing the opposite of cheating on you.”