i cried. i yelled. i wept.

i held myself in private.

during car rides, showers,

singing, cleaning, and cooking;

i forced myself to feel.

i unpacked my pride

hoping no one could see me

i felt ashamed

i felt my angels talking

saying, “speak up.”

saying, “speak up.”

saying, “you have to figure out

how to keep up with this life!”

“you have to get it together.”

so i tried to get right.

tried to go out.

tried to have fun.

i didn’t know how to.

i was too tired. i was too worried.

i was too insecure. i didn’t know my body,

i didn’t like her. told her she’s no good.

told her she let me down.

’n i just kept on

and i kept on

and i kept on feeling terrible

i kept feeling exhausted

so

// i wrote myself

this letter to say:

step back.

i wrote myself this letter

to say step back.

everything will turn out okay

you don’t always

have to be in control.

trust the people

around you,

they got this.

they got you.

truly,

you need a break

cause you’re breaking here.

i receive it

deep breaths

back to little ones

i watch the time go by.

i can’t hold on to yesterday

i can’t bring it with me,

i can only learn from it.

“how to be more happy?”

// to be less worried.

i ask, and i receive.

deep breaths,

back to little ones

i meditate on it.

i can’t hold on to yesterday

i can’t bring it with me,

i can only learn from it.

“how to be less worried?”

// to be more accepting.

i ask, and i receive.

i trust the message for what it is.

i trust in all i receive.

i can’t hold on to yesterday.

i can only learn from it.

someone else

“i am not like her

enough.

i am not as pretty

i am not as petite

i am not as special

i am not as holy.”

we tell ourselves

these things.

we believe

these things

to be true

we believe we aren’t

deserving of the same.

we beat

ourselves

down,

we wear

ourselves out

—we create a monster.

scorpio moon

this is the one

where i let

my guards down.

i say the things

most people

don’t know about.

cancer mercury—

i tell a feeling,

not a story.

i talk my shit

i let it loose

i let yaw know

i see it so vividly.

the real shit

that matters.

disloyalty

is a quality

i don’t relate to.

all the funny activity,

all the weirdos.

all the, “whenever you need me,

i’m here for yous”

i really don’t trust

a living soul.

maybe my

scorpio moon’s

to blame.

i connect

with

transitioned

people.

i ask them,

“am i insane?”

i do what they

ask because i

appreciate the

open

communication.

they bless me more.

i really don’t trust

a living soul.

i woke up

too many days

having to fight

the cold on my own.