said, and how’s

life? i bet good,

since you don’t

worry about

anyone but

yourself. she said,

and how’s sleep?

i bet well, since you

don’t seem to miss any.

she goes—don’t

forget how much

i took care of you.

remember when

your mom used

to work all those

jobs and i’d watch

you for hours.

don’t forget i

was there for you.

you remind me of

her so much. you

just go off and

do your own thing.

y tu? you forget

about me. you

don’t worry if

i’m lonely. you

don’t worry if

i’m healthy. entonces,

86 and i still send

a prayer up. i still

pay my dues. i

know you’re of

blood—so i know

my responsibility.

still, i think of you.

i hold you in my

heart so you’re always

near. and your

mother, we used to

be connected by the

hip. but you know

how she can be.

tell her to call me please.

la extraño mucho.

i shouldn’t have

to go chasing.

i’ve become tired.

so.. le digo a mi mamá. and she

say nothing.. of course

but i wonder, was i

programmed this

way? was i trained

to look out for

myself and no one

else? was i meant to

be alone? did i make

any mistakes thinking

i could live a life of

my own. you know,

creating a family of

my own. having a

son to look after. to

love after. sharing

love with a person

who doesn’t fully

get me. knowing

parts of me, he’ll

never fully know.

having someone

always wonder the

thoughts in my

head—whenever

i sit silent. did i

think this through?

i look at my mom.

i wonder the

thoughts in her

head. i wonder if

i was a mistake. i

wonder if she knew

she wasn’t capable.

i wonder if my

father was her capacity.

i tell her,

“abuela dice que te extraña.”

“she says if you

can call her.”

my mom says nothing.

i say nothing back.

i think . . . “maybe next time.”

tourism

my daddy did

a number on me

shit, my mama, too

“thorough”

ain’t the word

it’s through

and through

through the battles

through warfare

through whatever

it takes to evolve.

it’s forever. until

then, and even after.

it’s we get each other

it’s we got each other

it’s a reason we

keep coming back.

it’s a reason we

keep showing up.

coincidence can’t

be the foundation

i believe in.

there must be an

agreement somewhere.

a contract so

rich, we pull up

every time.

one day i’ll

meet the real.

i’m tryna discern

who chose who?

did you need me

or did i need you?

i’m roaming through

the portals wondering.

my travels are

getting hella deep.

i remember too much.

i remember too much.

i remember too much

bad shit that had to do

with you. my mentor

Ciaryn told me—we

were rivals repeatedly.

one life after another.

she said we still

got a few more

to go til we reach