1. To make me break down. The press loves when anyone cries, screams, or loses control in any way. It’s why those videos of celebrities going crazy and attacking the paparazzi are so popular on TMZ. The public eats up scandal, and therefore, so does the press.

2. To get a scoop. Every reporter wants to be the first one to break the story, so they try to ask questions that will get you to talk. Notice how they don’t ask, “Would you have done anything differently?” They avoid “yes or no” questions like Paris Hilton avoids knockoff handbags. Except, of course, when they ask if Corey and I are still talking. In that case, the “yes” or “no” response is enough of a scoop for them.

When you think about it, “What would you have done differently?” is a pretty shitty question to ask. I mean, even if I wanted to do anything differently, I couldn’t, so having to think about it serves no purpose other than to drive me absolutely crazy. Which is why I don’t. Think about it, I mean.

Well, not that much, anyway, because the truth is, I don’t think I would have done anything differently, even if I could. I prefer to subscribe to that whole “everything happens for a reason” theory, mostly because the alternative is just too disturbing to think about. If everything doesn’t happen for a reason, then we’re all pretty much fucked, because each decision we make could be screwing up our lives forever.

No one wants to hear that, though. They all want me to have regrets, to wish I hadn’t done certain things, to be upset about the stuff that happened. It’s weird thinking people I don’t even know are so interested in my life that they want to know who I’m dating or what I’m up to. It’s also weird to think that a lot of these same people would love nothing more than to see me miserable about what happened during my time on the show.

The truth is, none of those people really know what went on these past three and a half months. I’m not sure I even understand it all. The only thing I know for certain is that three months ago I was a completely different person. Which seems kind of crazy—that everything can change in such a short amount of time. But maybe that’s what life is, really—just a bunch of small things that add up to one big thing. And even though sometimes you can’t see it coming, you have no choice but to let it happen.

THEN