Because of this, Mike and his crew were more than happy to assuage my mom’s fears about her daughter’s fall into the world of sin and debauchery. She was told about the high-security measures that would be in place, including twenty-four-hour security guards stationed around the house, a state-of-the-art alarm system, and surveillance cameras that are constantly monitored. He made living in the dorms sound like living in squalor compared to the lap of luxury I was going to be in.

But like I said, they set me up. There was a specific reason they wanted me, and I think in the back of my mind, I knew what it was. I just chose not to think about it. So on the morning of August 29, a day before the rest of the freshman class was supposed to arrive at Syracuse College, I packed up my stuff, said a tearful good-bye to my brother, and climbed into my parents’ Explorer to start my first semester at college, and my new role as Ally Cavanaugh, reality TV star.

THEN

Not to sound like a bitch, but these people are freaks. I’m usually not so judgmental, I swear. I definitely lean toward the liberal end of the political spectrum, and am totally open to the beliefs and ideas of others, but I’ve been here about an hour, and I can already tell I’m going to be spending a lot of time OUT of the house.

MY ROOMMATES, A BREAKDOWN:

JAMES: Dresses kind of like Bow Wow, complete with the gold chains and baggy pants. Talks in ghetto-speak, such as “shorty” and “whaddup.” He’s like a bad Saturday Night Live skit, where the Jonas Brothers play a rap group.

SIMONE: Long red curly hair, flawless pale complexion, and lanky body. She has the softest voice I’ve ever heard, and you have to strain to figure out what the hell she’s saying.

JASMINE: She looks very exotic, like half Asian or something, with dark hair and big boobs. I swear to God, her breasts are huge. She looks like one of those high-maintenance girls who always turns out to be a shallow bitch.

DREW: The token hottie. Dark hair, blue eyes, buff body. Which means he’s probably an asshole who will hit on anything that walks.