As we’re getting up to leave, Mike stops me. “Ally,” he says, “can I talk to you for a second?”

NOW

They wanted me. But it was all a setup.

THEN

“Absolutely not!” my mom says, slamming the potato masher into the potatoes for emphasis. To find my mom mashing potatoes when I get home just illustrates the fact that I should never have gotten on the show in the first place. My family life is way too normal.

“Why not?” I say from my seat at the kitchen table. I made the mistake of blurting out my news the second Grant dropped me off, which was obviously not a good idea.

“Because it’s ridiculous!” my mom says, adding some milk to the pan and continuing her mashing. “I will not have my daughter broadcasting our lives on national television.”

“Not your life—my life.”

“No, our lives,” she says. “Those people tape everything. Phone conversations, family visits . . . I’ve watched that show! All your family secrets get put out for everyone to see!”

“Mom, we don’t have any secrets,” I say, rolling my eyes. It’s true. Our family is completely and totally normal. No affairs, no addictions, no secret crimes. We have a dog, an SUV, and Sunday dinners at my grandmother’s house in Chappanga Falls. I figured my parents wouldn’t mind I was going on the show, since we have nothing to hide. I should have realized it would have the exact opposite effect—my family didn’t have any secrets because they never did stuff like going on reality TV shows. “Why are you making mashed potatoes, anyway?” I ask, in an effort to change the subject. “I thought we were cooking out.”

“We are, but you know your father likes his mashed potatoes,” she says, rinsing the masher off in the sink and taking a plate of hamburgers out of the refrigerator. “And don’t try to change the subject, Alexandra. This is something that really needs to be discussed.”

“What’s going on?” my brother Brian asks, walking into the kitchen.

“Oh, nothing much, just your sister wanting to expose the whole family on national television,” my mom says, throwing her hands up in exasperation. She’s acting like I’ve just told the family I want to scrap this whole college idea and try my luck at the Bunny Ranch.

“You got on the show?” Brian asks, his eyes widening. I nod. “Oh my God, Ally, that’s so great!” He hugs me, pulling me out of my chair and swinging me around the kitchen. I scream at him to put me down, but he flips me over and the blood rushes to my head.