I was upset, I was pissed, I was lonely. It was like everything was coming together in one moment—the way I was feeling about Drew, Kelly’s betrayal, my problems with Corey, the fact that I was avoiding my mom, my photography, the cameras being in my face every single second. . . . I broke down. Of course, this is what I told myself, and to a point, it was true. Everything was coming down on me at once.

But most of it had to do with me. Not because I found one of my friends in bed with a girl who had screwed me over. But because I started to think I’d almost wrecked my relationship with my boyfriend—arguably the most important person in my life—over a guy who would do something like that. And it scared the shit out of me. I felt like I’d come dangerously close to losing Corey, and I never wanted that to happen again. Ever.

THEN

“Ally, you know I can’t come now,” Corey says. He sounds exasperated, like he’s explaining something to a little kid who’s just not getting it.

“Why not?” I ask, starting to cry again. “You could get your flight changed. People do it all the time.”

Corey sighs. “Ally, you can’t just change a flight. Not two days before.”

“Yes, you can,” I insist. “You can!” Does he think I’m stupid? You can change a flight at a moment’s notice, if you want. I mean, what if there’s an emergency or something?

“Ally, I can’t. It will cost a fortune. What’s wrong? Why are you crying? Are you drunk again?” He says it like I’m drunk all the time instead of just that one time.

“No, I’m not drunk,” I say, trying to sound haughty, which is hard because I’m crying.

“Then what’s wrong?”

“I just miss you,” I say. “I miss you so much. I’m having a really hard time here, Corey, and I need to see you.” I curl the phone cord around my finger tight, watching my skin turn purple as I cut off my circulation. I wonder if you can die just from cutting off the blood to your finger. I pull the cord tighter.

“What’s going on? Why are you so upset?”