I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that Lars got a little teary-eyed over it. He may be six and a half feet of unadulterated, Israeli Army–trained muscle. But inside that size forty-four chest, my bodyguard is just a big softy.

I don’t know when I’m going to give Michael his Valentine. He has a make-up Computer Club meeting today at lunch, and then I won’t see him again, unless I go over to his place after school—providing princess lessons are canceled again (I’m calling ahead this time).

Please, please let Grandmère’s midlife crisis, or whatever this is, be continuing! (As long as she doesn’t get hurt, of course. Figuratively or literally.)

Friday, February 14, Health and Safety

OH MY GOD. What did he give you?

SHUT UP.

Seriously. Just show me.

SHUT UP!!!!!

Come on. What is it? I want to see!!!!!

Lilly. No. Pay attention. We are learning a very important lesson today about genital warts. I would think you, in particular, would be fascinated by this subject.

JUST SHOW ME.

Here. Satisfied????

A WHITMAN’S SAMPLER???? KENNY

SHOWALTER STOPPED BY YOUR LOCKER TO GIVE YOU A WHITMAN’S SAMPLER FOR VALENTINE’S DAY?????? MWA HA HA HA!!!!

It isn’t funny!!!! He did it right in front of Michael!!!!

Well, good. There’s nothing wrong with letting my brother know he has a little competition.

Michael doesn’t have any competition for my affections! He knows I only like Kenny as a friend.

Yeah, but does KENNY know that?

I’ve only told him, like, 900,000,000 times. Oh, God, why did he DO that????

Because he looooooves you. What did the card say? Bee my Valentine. And there’s a picture of a bee.

MWA HA HA HA! Give me one.

No! They’re mine!

Oh, COME ON. You don’t even like cream-filled chocolate.

I do, too!

You do not. You only like the crunchy toffee ones. Come on, fork one over.

Go get your own stalker to give you candy. Kenny’s mine.

Selfish.

Ha! You’re one to talk.

What do you mean by that?

Nothing.

No, seriously. Why am I selfish?

What are you going to do if Boris gives you a Valentine’s Day gift? A really nice one?

He wouldn’t dare. We already talked about it. And I told him I’m opposed to Valentine’s Day on ethical grounds.

Yeah, well, you Moscovitzes might think you can tell people what to do. But some of us have minds of our own.

What is THAT supposed to mean?

Nothing.

You’re psycho. Almost as psycho as your grandmother. Who I saw on David Letterman last night with some creepy astrologist who was going on about how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to get together. Like THAT’s ever going to happen. I mean, Tom’s WAY too old for Joey!!!!

Okay. I seriously have to do something about Grandmère. This is getting out of control.

Well, maybe just one more day…

Friday, February 14, Lunch

Tina just reminded me of something I forgot: KENNY SHOWALTER IS A LEO!!!!