Meanwhile, I was trying so hard not to laugh, tears were practically streaming down my face.

“Well, of course I slapped him for his insolence,” Grandmère explained. “And what do you think he did? Seized me by the arms and told me I light a fire in him unlike any other woman he has ever known. As if I haven’t heard that line before! The horrible man couldn’t think of an original thing to say if his TROUSERS were exploding! Of course I screamed for Raoul”—Raoul is Grandmère’s bodyguard—“and he came rushing in, but not before I’d managed to break free myself. But then I accidentally tripped over poor Rommel, who was trying frantically to come to my rescue. Which is how I broke my toe. I’m going to have to speak to Gucci about this season’s kitten heels; they are simply too high….”

“Still,” I said, struggling not to crack up. “The guy was right about two of his predictions…you did sustain grievous bodily harm, and a man did propose to you….”

Grandmère gave me a very sour look. “I suppose you think you’re amusing. Well, you might as well make yourself useful, and go and get me some Tylenol. And fix me another Sidecar, this one’s gone warm….”

I got up to do as Grandmère asked. I figured it was the least I could do, since she’d been through so much. True, most of it was her own fault…but there are lots of different kinds of Valentines, and I figured that mine to Grandmère would be that I would never speak of Dr. Steve to her—or anyone else—ever again.

And to tell you the truth, this seemed to suit Grandmère even better than a heart-shaped box of chocolates or a simulated ruby heart pendant.

Friday, February 14, 8 p.m., limo on the way to Tina’s

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tonight as I was getting my stuff together to go to Tina’s, I heard this weird tapping noise. ON MY WINDOW.

At first I thought it was a pigeon. But then I looked out and got the scare—and delight—of my life:

MICHAEL WAS ON MY FIRE ESCAPE!!!!

I couldn’t believe it! I ran over to the window and flung it open and was like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???? WHY ARE YOU ON THE FIRE ESCAPE???? WHY DIDN’T YOU RING THE DOOR BUZZER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?????”

But he just smiled and said, “It’s more romantic this way.”

“But how did you even get out there?” I demanded. Because Lars worked really hard at securing the entrance to our building’s courtyard, which is what my bedroom looks out over, so that no one could do what Michael had—crawl up to my window via the fire escape.

Michael smiled even more and said, “Your neighbor Ronnie let me out here. Now stop talking. I know you have to go to Tina’s in a minute, but I wanted to give you your Lupercalia gift before you leave. I realize it’s a day early, but I couldn’t wait.”