“Whoa. Mom. No. It’s not drugs.”

“Oh,” Mom says, blinking. “Well, then what kind of mistake do you mean?”

But by then I was so freaked I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. So I just told her Lilly was thinking about getting her nose pierced, and Mom was like, “Oh my God, that is so 1998,” and said she was surprised Lilly would do something so mainstream, but then observed that Lilly might actually look good with a little diamond in her nostril.

Parents. Seriously.

But then before I could escape to my room Mom was like, “What are you and Michael planning on doing tomorrow night for Valentine’s Day, honey?”

And I practically burst into tears.

I don’t know what came over me. You’d have thought I was the pregnant one.

Anyway, I guess she heard my voice break when I said, “Nothing. Michael doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day,” since she said, all sympathetically, “Well, just because he doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean you have to stop believing in it, too.”

And I was like, “Yeah, but if I give him a Valentine, he’s going to think I’m a giant dork.”

And Mom was all, “Oh, honey, Michael would never think anything you did was dorky. He adores you.”

“Yeah, but how lame is it to give a Valentine to someone you KNOW isn’t going to give you one back?”

“I don’t think it’s lame at all,” Mom said. “In fact, I think that’s what Valentine’s Day is all about—giving without expecting anything in return. That’s true love, if you ask me.”

!!!!!!!!!

You know what? For once, I think my mom is right. I don’t care what Michael thinks—I’m giving him a Valentine. And if he laughs at me, he laughs at me.

But at least I’ll be doing what I want for a change, instead of what everyone EXPECTS from me.

Friday, February 14, Algebra

I haven’t given it to him yet. I wanted to give it to him first thing this morning, in the limo. But stupid Lilly wouldn’t stop talking about how ninety percent of breast implants rupture over time, and how if you’re going to get breast implants you need to be prepared to periodically have them replaced or removed, like Pam Anderson.

Which isn’t exactly the kind of romantic setting you want when you are about to give someone a Valentine you were up half the night making.

Still, I’ve already gotten one Valentine—my mom got up early and made me heart-shaped pancakes! I couldn’t believe it.

And okay, maybe it is kind of pathetic that my only Valentine so far is from my mom.

But at least I’ve gotten one!

And I’ve given one, too…to Lars. It’s a card I bought at Ho’s Deli when he wasn’t looking. I couldn’t resist, because it has a picture of a heart holding an automatic rifle on the front, and then when you open it, it says, Valentine…I’m gunning for you! inside.