“Of course the whole thing was started by Hippocrates,” we both overheard Lilly saying, “who maintained that the body’s humors could be rebalanced by bloodletting, blistering, or purging by vomiting or anal purgatives.”

“Ewwww,” said Tina and Boris, at the same time.

“Wow,” Judith said, impressed. “I should eat lunch with you guys more often.”

“It’s for her TV show,” I explained.

“Oh,” Judith said, chewing. “Groovalicious.”

It kind of surprised me that she would just sit down and start eating Michael’s lunch like that. I mean, hello, he had BITTEN that piece of garlic bread. I don’t mind Michael’s germs, but it surprised me that Judith, who isn’t even his girlfriend, wouldn’t mind them, either.

And then I started wondering if there was a REASON she didn’t mind them. Like, that maybe she had a crush on Michael or something. Even though supposedly she’s seeing some guy from Trinity.

But then, you think a lot of crazy things when you’re watching some other girl eat your boyfriend’s garlic bread.

So I was like, all conversationally, “So what are you doing for Valentine’s Day, Judith?”

And she was all, “Valentine’s Day? Are you kidding me? Do people even celebrate that anymore?”

And I looked pointedly around the cafeteria, the walls of which were completely plastered with pink and red hearts and doilies, courtesy of the Pep Club.

“Oh,” Judith said, following the direction of my gaze. “Right. Well, I don’t know. I guess my boyfriend and I will grab something to eat somewhere. I don’t know.”

“Is apathy toward Valentine’s Day inherent in the senior class, or something?” I asked. “Because Michael has sort of the same attitude about it.”

“Well,” Judith said. “I mean, it is kind of lame. It’s like a holiday designed to make you feel bad about yourself. If you do have someone, and they don’t get you a Valentine, you feel like crap. And then if you don’t have anybody, it’s like you’re an even bigger loser. So basically, you have to get a card for everyone you know, but then it basically has no meaning, and the people who benefit most are the ones at Hallmark. Personally, I think everybody should just opt out.”

Opt out? Opt out of Cupids holding Be Mine banners and I Choo-choo-choose You train engine Valentines and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate with gooey unidentifiable things in the middle and little candy hearts that taste like chalk but say stuff like U R Hot on them?

Is she insane???? Is EVERYONE insane?

Thursday, February 13, French

Mia—Have you talked to Michael about Valentine’s Day yet???—Tina

No. I mean, what’s the point? He really doesn’t believe in it. And Lilly says he thinks people who do are simple-minded schmos.

That’s probably just because he’s s never had a happy one! It’s up to you to show him that Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful time, full of fun and romance!

Yeah, I’m not so sure about that, Tina. I think I may just kind of forget the whole thing this year.