I let out my breath all at once, because he’s back. He’s here, opening a window and letting me climb through. I take a deep breath and clear my throat.

I’ll be careful this time. I won’t let the Illness overcome me again. I’ll hide it much better this time and then – then – maybe he’ll stay. Even if Cecelia won’t.

Connecting to Rowan …

37

Rowan

And now I am sitting in the castle climbing frame looking out at bright blue sky that stretches all the way down to a turquoise sea.

Rowan’s trainers are up on the mermaid’s hands, like she reached out and grabbed him.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say.

Alice.

My guts do that weird thing

like when you’re on a roller coaster and you

d r o p.

‘No, I’m sorry.

I’m such a snowflake.

You were only being nice.’

‘No! I wasn’t listening – I was …’

I search for the best words not to give myself away.

‘I wasn’t thinking straight.’

‘Yeah, well, that makes two of us.

So we’re okay?’

I sigh, feeling my chest untighten enough to taste the air again.

‘Yes. Yes, we’re okay.’

I look out of the window.

See the plastic bags rolling over the grass

– the dog taking a dump in the sandpit

– and I search for the line of sea in the distance.

‘Listen, what I said before about Jonah …

I was being overdramatic.

It’s just babysitting really.’

I think back to the texts I’ve been sending Cecelia about me having the flu, and wonder if he realizes just how similar our lies sound.

‘Why did she leave? Your mum.’

I swallow.

There’s no hiding from this one.

I hang my head back so all I see is

S K Y.

‘Mam – she’s an alcoholic.

She started leaving for weeks at a time,

then one day she …

she just didn’t come back.’

I can see the top of the bell tower from here.

At home, I look out of the window and wonder if he’s seeing the same perfect stretch of blue sky.

‘Didn’t you call the police?’

I laugh,

but it ain’t funny.

‘What – and have them

take Jonah away?’

I shake my head.

‘I’m not running out on him, too, Alice.’

I’m not failing him

like I failed her.

I pinch my lips together, because I don’t want him to disconnect the stream again. Not when the world is stretched out and waiting for me to leave my footprints in it.

‘You won’t tell anyone, though,

will you?’

I think of the agreement I made with Mum when she asked me to be her spy on the inside. And now I know what it is that’s holding Rowan back. But I suppose she doesn’t need to know. I can help him for her.