He points up to the bell tower again.

Always. Always with that tower.

‘Not now, mate.’

I am watching I am watching I am watching.

I’m supposed to be in between. I’m supposed to be both.

The boy wails for me. ‘But when, then?’

Never again.

Never again.

Never, ever again.

I watch as my window goes into Tesco. Grabs a trolley.

I let Jonah down, feeling breathless

like I did when I was running in the rain with Alice.

I check my phone for her name again.

I remember supermarkets. So many things on the shelves.

I want to tell Rowan to get whatever he wants. Chocolate. Custard. An entire garlic baguette.

But instead –

I stuff my Alice-free phone in my pocket.

‘Go on, then, Jonah.

Choose whatever you want.’

You have disconnected from this stream.

29

Alice

Mum found me lying in the middle of the floor and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her that furious before.

She was shouting at me. Not her usual soft scolds, but yells that took spoons from my ears when I didn’t really have any left to give. Dad had to send her out before he could lift me back into bed.

‘What are you doing, giving your mum a fright like that?’ he said.

I just looked at him at the time, because I didn’t really understand what he was saying. The fog had moved up over my chest and was wrapping round my thoughts by then, smothering them.

But now it’s the next day. Almost evening. And I’ve clawed back enough spoons to say, ‘I’m sorry.’

Mum doesn’t look at me. Just carries on folding my clothes neatly. Stacking them in the wardrobe. ‘I didn’t mean to shout. It was just a shock seeing you there. I thought –’ She stops what she’s doing.

‘I’m sorry,’ I say again. And I am. Usually I hide the worst of things from her well enough, but there was no hiding yesterday.

She looks tired as she comes to sit on the side of my bed, giving me a watery smile that dribbles down her face.

‘What were you doing? What was so important?’

She looks like one of those rabbits that magicians pull out of hats. As if she can’t quite work out how she got here, and isn’t quite sure what to do now she is.

‘I can’t remember,’ I say, avoiding her eyes so she doesn’t see Rowan’s name in mine and take him away again.

She sighs. ‘Well, that’s it now, okay? If you don’t have the spoons to get up, then don’t try. At least unless one of us is here with you.’

I nod and kiss her cheek as she leans down to do the same to me.