I was haunted all night by images of Wesley trapped in a bleeding classroom and it’s made focusing on all the wonderful things in my room this morning much more difficult than usual.

I just need a distraction. Something to turn the sunlight on my pillow golden instead of grey, and the sound of Dad crashing his way out of the door into an orchestra.

‘Oh, chicken,’ Mum says as she comes in and sees me. ‘We’ll get you washed and dressed and then you can spend the day resting.’

She starts the bed motor, but I reach over and stop it.

‘I think I’ll just have a pyjama day today.’

She frowns. ‘It’s not good for your mental health to be in your pyjamas all day – the doctor said.’ She sets the bed going again, but again I turn it off.

She glares at me, so I muster a smile.

Pretending to smile = 1 spoon

She sits down next to me. ‘What’s going on, Alice? You’ve been so far away recently, it’s like you’re not really here.’

I want to tell her that’s the point. That I’m Living outside of these four walls and there I can do anything. I can forget what it felt like to be with a man who died. I can keep being strong for both of us. But I can see the hunch in her shoulders from carrying so much of me already, so instead I lie.

‘You know,’ I say, smiling, ‘you’re right. Getting dressed is the best idea.’

She doesn’t look sure, but I set the bed to go up again, and then say I need a few moments to stop feeling like I might faint. Eventually, we wait so long that her watch screams at her that she’s going to be late for work.

‘Perhaps I should call in,’ she says, twisting her fingers together.

I swing a leg out from my covers. ‘Don’t be silly,’ I say. ‘I’m feeling better now I’m up. Get off to work and I’ll get myself ready.’

She stands up. Then sits back down. ‘You’re sure that you’re okay?’

I roll my eyes. ‘I’m fine.’

She checks her watch again. ‘I’m already late.’

‘Go!’ I shout, and this time she does, grabbing her handbag off the side and throwing me one more worried smile before she runs down the stairs.

As soon as I hear the front door go, I slip my leg back into bed and pick up my laptop.

Mum might need to look good on the outside to feel good on the inside, but I’m different. For me, feeling good means being outside. And today promises to have a great deal of that.

Welcome back to Stream Cast, Alice

Connecting to Rowan …

25

Rowan

And now I am watching Rowan scrape chewing gum from the side of an elephant.