It’s getting more and more confusing to know who’s who. And I hope that feels as wonderful to him as it does to me. Like the lines between us are blurring and I might reach out, through the camera, and wrap his blue hands in mine.

‘There are so many more things we could do,’ I say.

He blows over the top of his tea.

‘We could go paragliding. Or to a rock concert. We could hop on a ferry, or a train or maybe even a plane. We could go to Australia to learn to dive and swim with manta rays.’

I’m getting excited now, because all the things I’d forgotten that I wanted to do – because they were laced with the thought of not being able to do them and shut up in a drawer at the back of my mind – are flooding back to me.

She says it like

anything really is possible.

That’s what made me jump in the water.

I wanted to feel that.

Now I’m just back to feeling cold.

‘Yeah, maybe we’ll rob a bank first, eh?

Steal a few mill.’

‘Well … maybe not Australia, then. But there’s a whole world of things we can do here, I’m sure.’

I put down my tea, because I’d forgotten.

This girl –

Alice –

she’s not

A F R A I D

of what will happen if she

– loses her job or

– can’t pay the heating bill or

– someone finds out and takes everything away.

Alice has a mam to do all that stuff for her.

‘That ain’t real Living, you know.’

I lose track of my thoughts and they circle.

‘What do you mean?’

‘You can’t just

DO

all that.

There’s consequences.’

I think of migraines and fevers lurking at the end of a busy day. And I watch him pour enough sugar into his tea to perhaps kill me off altogether.

‘I know all about consequences.’

I’m cold.

I’m wet.

And I want to show her she’s wrong.

‘Fine.

Come back online 3.30 tomorrow.

I’ll show you real Living.’

Rowan is no longer streaming.

26

Alice

It’s the evening. Dad is downstairs doing the washing-up, which you can tell because it sounds like he’s conducting a brass band with out-of-tune whistle solos.

I’m trying to wrap Cecelia’s birthday present, but my arms aren’t moving the way I want them to and the tape keeps sticking to itself.

I think she’ll like what I’ve made for her, though. It’s taken spoons and spoons over weeks and weeks, but it’s finally finished.