‘The Illness takes spoons, you see, and it means that I can’t do things like run or – music – music is hard. And I need to spend a lot of time resting, and sometimes it means I disappear, although not entirely – I am in bed, after all. So …’

It’s not coming out right. He looks away, far into the distance.

‘You know, Alice,

if you don’t want to meet me,

you can just say.’

I watch the whites grow in my own eyes on screen.

‘No! No, Rowan, it’s not that. I’m not explaining myself very well. I do want to meet you. I want to run along the beach with you and go cycling and do a million different impossible –’

‘So come do them, then!’

I’m shouting now.

I shouldn’t, but

this really hurts.

Another person I love

making their excuses to

leave.

‘I can’t,’ I say, my voice breaking. ‘I want to, but the Illness –’

‘I’m late picking up Jonah.’

I stand up and

K I C K

the stones

so they scatter.

‘Rowan –’

A loud, high-pitched sound shrieks through my speakers and I clamp my hands over my ears.

My phone rings.

I glance at it,

ready to hurl another call from Dad

into the sea,

when I see who it is.

The sound stops and all I can see onscreen is his ear.

‘Hello?’

I clutch my chest and try to slow my heartbeat. And, from my speakers, I hear a woman on the other end of the line.

‘Rowan? I’ve been trying to get in touch with your mother –’

‘She’s not –

she’s not available at the moment.

I told you that it was me who –’

‘I really would prefer to speak –’

‘I get it,

but you can’t.

What’s wrong?’

My heart hammers.

I hear a sigh from a long way away.

‘There’s a situation. You should come right away. And please – do get in touch with your mother, because this really is –’

Jonah Jonah Jonah.

I’m running.

Scrambling over stones.

‘What’s wrong?

What’s happened?’

The line breaks. There are stones and gulls and Rowan’s breathing and it gets difficult to hear the woman on the other end of the phone.

But there’s one thing I do hear. And judging by the way Rowan seems to

stop

mid-stride, I think he heard it, too.

‘Jonah has climbed to the top of the bell tower and we can’t get him down.’

It’s happened.

It’s happened.

It’s happened.

For one moment, I see a stretch of blue sky. Eyes trying to grab hold of something that isn’t there.

And even though I’m the one that’s sinking as he drops the phone from his ear – it looks very much like he’s the one that is falling.

And I reach out my hand to grab him.

But I’m not there.

Call ended.

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