So what does it mean for Rowan?

‘If you want to talk about anything, you know …’

I pinch my eyes.

‘No. Sorry, I’m being stupid.

It’s just –

I’m afraid of heights.

That’s all.’

Lying feels like coming up for air.

‘Yeah – that’s it.’

I give a mock shiver.

‘I’ll keep on solid ground, thanks.’

It feels strange that a boy whose favourite place is at the top of a climbing frame should be afraid of heights, but I laugh.

‘Oh! Oh, I see. Yes, probably not, then.’

My head is still in my hands,

but she can’t see that.

‘Yeah. It’d be like you driving, eh?’

I purse my lips.

‘Well, that’s the thing, you see. My friend – the one who died – he was knocked off his bike in a car accident. So it’s not that I’m afraid of cars as such, just that …’

I stare at the paint under my fingernails.

‘Yeah. I get it.’

‘Maybe there’s something else we can do instead?’

I get up again and

dust myself off.

‘Yeah, sure, whatever.

Why don’t you text me a list of ideas

and we’ll do them tomorrow?

Right now, I’ve got to …’

Check on Jonah.

Make sure he’s still

breathing.

‘Yes,’ I say. ‘Yes, of course.’

I watch his hand hover over the door handle. And something feels awkward. Strange. In a way that it hasn’t between us before.

‘I’m sorry about your friend.’

From my bed, I look out beyond the flowers on my window sill, to where the bell tower rises.

‘Yes. Me too.’

Rowan is no longer streaming.

52

Alice

I wait until Mum is just about to leave for the shops before I ask her, so she won’t have as much time to sit down with the answers.

‘What was Wesley like to work with?’

She stops checking how much shampoo I have left and her eyebrows disappear into her curls.

‘Erm – wow. Wesley. You’re talking about him now?’

I keep my eyes on my duvet and she slides herself on to it, shopping bag still over her arm.

‘Well, he was nice. Bit of a joker. Cared a lot about the kids. Drank way too much coffee and had the most awful temper on him when he got going. He had this thing about gum and, if he caught anyone in his class with it, you’d hear him ranting two classrooms along.’ She smiles. ‘But he was lovely really. The school’s a darker place since he left.’

I write ‘coffee’ and ‘gum’ in my head, next to ‘cycling’, in my list to send to Rowan. Then Mum takes my hand.

‘What was he like as a streamer?’

I plaster a smile on my face before it even registers that’s what I’m doing. ‘Oh, he was wonderful.’