If only I’d sent her that text – I was never going to be able to go to her party. I know that and it’s okay. Really it is. Because that’s the way things are, and there are plenty of wonders to be seen from a bed.

Welcome back to Stream Cast, Alice

Users online:

Users offline:

Connect to a channel to start watching.

I hover over the people online. I could do hook kicks in a tae kwon do tournament, spin round the streets of Tokyo or disappear into online worlds within worlds. But I don’t really want to watch any of them.

I want to be with Rowan. He doesn’t just let me watch – he reaches through the screen and takes my hand and it feels electric. He makes me feel like here, in this room, my choices matter.

And now I’ve ruined it.

I can’t entirely remember what I said to him on the stream last time – just that I was angry. Angry at myself for stopping Mum and Dad having lives, and angry with Jonah for stopping Rowan’s.

But anger has never been any sort of way to get things done. With Mum and Dad, I smile and tell them I’m fine as much as I can, so they don’t have to carry the full weight of the Illness. And to really help Rowan I should have tried a softer approach, too. But it’s too late now. He’s just another streamer gone.

I am safe. I am happy. I am alive.

I shut my laptop.

36

Alice

Dad has the day off work. He brings me lunch to celebrate, and I do a terrible job of smiling and pretending everything’s fine.

He sits on the bed. Holds my hand.

‘Tell me,’ he says. ‘Come on – I want angsty teenager Alice. Give me all your woes.’

I sit up a little. ‘It’s nothing,’ I say. ‘I’m feeling better now.’

Dad gives me a look, like he doesn’t believe me. ‘You know, you can feel better and still be a bit pissed off at the world.’

I laugh, but he doesn’t stop staring me down. ‘I suppose I’m just wishing I was normal,’ I sigh.

‘Crikey, things must be bad. Being normal is the worst possible thing you could be.’

I roll my eyes at him.

‘I’m serious! Imagine if you were a normal teenager, wearing black and listening to that stuff they call music now. Sorry, kiddo, but I don’t think we could be friends if you were normal. Wouldn’t be seen dead.’

‘You know what I mean,’ I say softly and he squeezes my hand.