At midday, everyone doing the lunchtime performance went to the main hall to get ready. Backstage was full of excited mad girls all looking forward to the performance.

Apart from me.

You know when something is so terrible that you think it can’t be true and won’t ever happen? That’s what a performance assessment is like when you’re wearing homemade horse legs. Which are actually stuffed tights. And have papier-mâché hoofs stuck on the end. And you’ve got false furry ears on.

If ever there was a time for Northern grit, this was it. Anyway the worst has already happened to me. I said to Vaisey and the girls backstage, “Oh well, as James Bond said, ‘You only die once.’”

Flossie said, “Er, I think you’ll find he said, ‘You only live twice.’”

Vaisey said, “I can hear men’s voices.”

Oh God, Monty must have asked Biffo and Sprogsy along. Better and better.

Sidone came backstage to see us. She was wearing a tiara and a lot of makeup. She was thrilled. “Girls, my girls, I’ve just come back to say ‘break a leg’ to you all. Well, in Vaisey’s and Tallulah’s case, I should say ‘legs.’”

She tinkled with laughter. She hadn’t finished, though. “As a special surprise, I’ve asked the headmaster of Woolfe Academy to join us with some guests for our show. He is most keen on the arts and is talking of perhaps investing in Dother Hall. He thinks that girls have a civilizing effect on his boys.”

Flossie snorted after she’d gone. “Why would we want to have a civilizing effect on boys?? I want them goddam young men to go ape wild!!!”

Jo looked through a slit in the curtains and said, “Oh my God, all of Woolfe Academy are here.”

It couldn’t be true!

I said, “No, no, nooooooo. . . . Can you see Charlie?”

Jo said, “Yeah and Phil and Ben too and there’s Jack, Vaisey, right at the front . . .”

I said to Vaisey, “Did you know about this?”

She looked ashen-faced.

“No, no, I didn’t. I . . . Jack didn’t say anything about it in his note. He just said he’d learned a new fret sequence. Oh, Lullah, I can’t go on. I’m not going on, not in these legs and doing the horsey dancing and everything . . . I can’t. We’ve only got to Number Five on your Lululuuuve List. I’ll have to pretend I’m sick. I AM sick. Let’s say we’re sick.”

She was trembling all over.

I said, “Sidone’s just seen us. She’ll know we’re not sick.”

Vaisey said, “Well, I’m not doing it.” And she started taking off her false ears.

Jo said, “Oh, come on, Vaisey, put your ears back on. We’re pros, darling. The show must go on.”

I said, “It’s all very well for you, you’re just singing and swanning about.”

Jo said, “Yeah, I know. Have I got enough lipstick on?”

I said, “I don’t know. Should I have put nail varnish on my hooves???”