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Back The Surrogate Save as PDF
Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. Part One
  5. One
  6. Two
  7. Three
  8. Four
  9. Five
  10. Six
  11. Seven
  12. Eight
  13. Nine
  14. Ten
  15. Eleven
  16. Twelve
  17. Thirteen
  18. Fourteen
  19. Fifteen
  20. Sixteen
  21. Seventeen
  22. Eighteen
  23. Nineteen
  24. Twenty
  25. Twenty-One
  26. Twenty-Two
  27. Twenty-Three
  28. Twenty-Four
  29. Twenty-Five
  30. Twenty-Six
  31. Twenty-Seven
  32. Twenty-Eight
  33. Twenty-Nine
  34. Thirty
  35. Thirty-One
  36. Thirty-Two
  37. Thirty-Three
  38. Part Two
  39. Thirty-Four
  40. Thirty-Five
  41. Thirty-Six
  42. Thirty-Seven
  43. Thirty-Eight
  44. Thirty-Nine
  45. Forty
  46. Forty-One
  47. Forty-Two
  48. Forty-Three
  49. Forty-Four
  50. Forty-Five
  51. Forty-Six
  52. Forty-Seven
  53. Forty-Eight
  54. Forty-Nine
  55. Fifty
  56. Fifty-One
  57. Part Three
  58. Fifty-Two
  59. Fifty-Three
  60. Fifty-Four
  61. Fifty-Five
  62. Fifty-Six
  63. Acknowledgments
  64. About the Author
  65. About the Publisher

As I nursed the baby, I looked out the windshield into the snow and trees, pinkish blue from the light of dawn. I thought I saw things in the shadows, shapes of things, and pictures. I looked to the sky and then to Digger, sleeping. He still snored loudly, that hadn’t changed. When the baby pulled off the nipple, she was completely relaxed. I tried the other breast, but she wasn’t interested. I held her to my shoulder, and she burped. I was so happy because I felt like I knew what I was doing: I could feed her. I kissed her little head and closed my eyes and hoped she would sleep again. Maybe I could get a few minutes more. Awake or asleep, we rested together, and I didn’t need to know the difference.

Fourteen

Ruth

2002

My plan had been to take six weeks off from work after the baby was born. I’d already used up several hours of PTO going to Cally’s doctor appointments and ultrasounds, but I was entitled to maternity leave, and I planned to use it. The legislature would be going back into session in January, so the timing would be perfect.

Hal and I had moved into our new condo, and I had the nursery ready. The theme was an underwater wonderland. Taupe walls accented with bright colors of the sea, orange and ocean blue, sunset yellow. I had a selection of onesies and diapers stacked in drawers under the changing pad. A solid wood crib, a brand-new mattress, a green flannel blanket, and pink and yellow fish-themed sheets.

I’d wanted to put starfish-shaped knobs on the small dresser, but Hal told me to stop with the crazy overboard. I tended to overdo things, especially things that I cared about, and especially when I was feeling out of control. There’s only so much preparation one can do for a baby arriving in one’s home before it starts to feel like it will never happen. Empty crib. Empty rocker. Everything clean and tidy. Then the dust starts to settle. The stuffed animals take on a horror-movie vibe. Enough, I told myself.

When Cally got pregnant, I didn’t want to tell people at work. Not right away. But when? And how? All together at a meeting? One on one? There were milestones I’d wanted her to pass for “safety.” Pass the eight-week mark, then fourteen weeks, then twenty-two, then twenty-six. So much could have gone wrong. So much we didn’t know.