Chapters (65)
- Cover
- Dedication
- Epigraph
- Part One
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Part Two
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Part Three
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Acknowledgments
- About the Author
- About the Publisher
Being a surrogate had been a good job for me; it paid a lot and didn’t require a college degree. To be honest, it made me feel important, that I could do this big thing: grow a baby for a couple who couldn’t have their own. Being pregnant was easy for me. My body was healthy and all my parts were working, and that was something special I had. At the doctor appointments, all the attention was on me. People helped me up onto the table, always asked how I was, and praised me for doing a good job. The nurse weighed me, and I was proud of how the baby was growing. The doctor listened to the strong heartbeat, and I smiled because I could take credit for that.
As my belly got bigger, though, I started to worry about how much it would hurt to give birth. But there was no turning back; this thing had to come out. I didn’t have a mom or grandma or sisters to ask for advice, but millions of other women had done it, so why couldn’t I? Plus Ruth had taken me to all the Lamaze classes, and everyone said it would be fine.
When I went into labor, I didn’t have time to worry. Ruth got me to the hospital and they hooked me up. Things moved fast and it was kind of a blur. I do remember the pain, though. It hurt a LOT. No other way to describe it. Just insane amounts of pain and confusion. Tired, with nowhere to go except forward. There was a crowd around my legs, cheering me on. So many people in the room, the doctor and three or four nurses, all wearing blue paper hats, plus Hal and Ruth, and all of them were focused on my privates, holding my feet and legs, telling me to push. Finally, the doctor said I was almost done, one more push. When the baby came out, all the attention shifted from me to her. I heard her cry and she was gone. The doctors and nurses huddled over the baby, passing her around to wipe her off and check her. No one really cared about me after that point. They were all focused on the baby. I sank into my pillow to rest.
Hal and Ruth were always there, somewhere in the background. I could feel their nervousness, the intrusion of them lurking, huddled against the wall. They’d seen my nakedness, they’d seen the thing come out of me, and who knows what else? The sounds I’d made, what I might have said or the look on my face. I didn’t know how to feel about any of it, honestly, but I ended up thinking both Who cares? and Why should they be here?
Nothing about this was normal. Nothing about this was routine.