BooksBarbecue
Back The Surrogate
Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. Part One
  5. One
  6. Two
  7. Three
  8. Four
  9. Five
  10. Six
  11. Seven
  12. Eight
  13. Nine
  14. Ten
  15. Eleven
  16. Twelve
  17. Thirteen
  18. Fourteen
  19. Fifteen
  20. Sixteen
  21. Seventeen
  22. Eighteen
  23. Nineteen
  24. Twenty
  25. Twenty-One
  26. Twenty-Two
  27. Twenty-Three
  28. Twenty-Four
  29. Twenty-Five
  30. Twenty-Six
  31. Twenty-Seven
  32. Twenty-Eight
  33. Twenty-Nine
  34. Thirty
  35. Thirty-One
  36. Thirty-Two
  37. Thirty-Three
  38. Part Two
  39. Thirty-Four
  40. Thirty-Five
  41. Thirty-Six
  42. Thirty-Seven
  43. Thirty-Eight
  44. Thirty-Nine
  45. Forty
  46. Forty-One
  47. Forty-Two
  48. Forty-Three
  49. Forty-Four
  50. Forty-Five
  51. Forty-Six
  52. Forty-Seven
  53. Forty-Eight
  54. Forty-Nine
  55. Fifty
  56. Fifty-One
  57. Part Three
  58. Fifty-Two
  59. Fifty-Three
  60. Fifty-Four
  61. Fifty-Five
  62. Fifty-Six
  63. Acknowledgments
  64. About the Author
  65. About the Publisher

When she woke up five or six times a night, I’d try to wake Hal and ask him to help, but often he didn’t want to. Especially on days when he had something big at work. And when he did get up, he’d hold her like a zombie, half asleep while bouncing, and I was afraid she’d roll out of his arms and he wouldn’t even notice. He didn’t like when I adjusted his arms or asked him to keep an eye on her. He reminded me he’d done it all before and knew the drill. These things hurt my feelings, and he got gruffer and more bristly with me until I finally decided I’d rather handle it myself. I’d change her. I’d do the feedings.

During diaper changes, she’d go stiff, stick her arms out, and turn red. Then she’d scream in pain. The doctors said it was a normal reflex, a primitive instinct like a reaction to falling or losing balance. It was triggered by being startled or sudden stimulation, they said. They showed me techniques to calm her and said it would go away in time.

After her bottle, she’d spit up, multiple times a day. I had her tested for reflux, but the doctors explained that reflux was normal for healthy babies as long as there were no gastroesophageal concerns that needed treatment. They didn’t find any. Although she wasn’t gaining as much weight as we might have liked, she was gaining enough that the doctors weren’t alarmed. They told me I shouldn’t be, either.

I’d walk around the condo with her, and bounce and sing to her, but she’d arch her back, hold her breath, and turn blue. Afterward, she’d cry as if in pain. I became terrified to touch her, convinced she was holding her breath on purpose. To punish me? I read books for advice but was afraid or ashamed to ask my friends. I’d never heard of anything like this before. The doctor said it was normal for babies to stop breathing, something called “periodic breathing,” and that most babies achieve regular breathing after the age of four or five months. What about turning blue? As long as it was only for a minute or so, it was normal for her age, they said. The medical community called it “apparent life-threatening event,” or ALTE, which was not a diagnosis but a catchall label for a series of symptoms. And the label was not at all comforting.