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Back The Surrogate
Chapters (65)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. Part One
  5. One
  6. Two
  7. Three
  8. Four
  9. Five
  10. Six
  11. Seven
  12. Eight
  13. Nine
  14. Ten
  15. Eleven
  16. Twelve
  17. Thirteen
  18. Fourteen
  19. Fifteen
  20. Sixteen
  21. Seventeen
  22. Eighteen
  23. Nineteen
  24. Twenty
  25. Twenty-One
  26. Twenty-Two
  27. Twenty-Three
  28. Twenty-Four
  29. Twenty-Five
  30. Twenty-Six
  31. Twenty-Seven
  32. Twenty-Eight
  33. Twenty-Nine
  34. Thirty
  35. Thirty-One
  36. Thirty-Two
  37. Thirty-Three
  38. Part Two
  39. Thirty-Four
  40. Thirty-Five
  41. Thirty-Six
  42. Thirty-Seven
  43. Thirty-Eight
  44. Thirty-Nine
  45. Forty
  46. Forty-One
  47. Forty-Two
  48. Forty-Three
  49. Forty-Four
  50. Forty-Five
  51. Forty-Six
  52. Forty-Seven
  53. Forty-Eight
  54. Forty-Nine
  55. Fifty
  56. Fifty-One
  57. Part Three
  58. Fifty-Two
  59. Fifty-Three
  60. Fifty-Four
  61. Fifty-Five
  62. Fifty-Six
  63. Acknowledgments
  64. About the Author
  65. About the Publisher

Hal and I had been awarded temporary custody of Elizabeth, as the paternity test had shown that Hal was the biological father. But the arrangement was only tentative, pending the court’s determination of the “best interests of the child.” This irritated Hal, when he spent the emotional energy to pay attention to it. He was irked not only because we had a clear contract that should have ended the inquiry, in his opinion, but also because, in his view, the best interests of the child were clearly served by her living with us. Where, he said, she’d have a stable home, two parents, and abundant resources.

The court was also considering our breach-of-contract lawsuit. Legally, we couldn’t force Cally to sign over parental rights, but if the judge found in our favor, we could require her to pay back the money she’d received (other than medical expenses), plus pay for our legal costs. Motions had been filed on both sides. Cally had a lawyer from Legal Aid, the organization responsible for my meeting Hal in the first place. I’m sure the irony wasn’t lost on Hal. Certainly it wasn’t on me.

I’d hoped that when Hal saw the baby, she would heal him, even if only in small places. That he’d melt with new love and forget his grief for a moment. But he didn’t want to look at her, and why? Because he was afraid she’d grow up and lose the use of her legs, too? Because she reminded him of Jake when he was still full of potential? Or perhaps Hal knew, on some level, he wasn’t able to be a father to her. He wasn’t talking. I was only guessing at what was going on inside. Even when we brought her home, Hal was distracted, absentminded. I was afraid he might drop her inadvertently, or scare her with one of his rants about God and the meaninglessness of life. Some days his eyes went wide and he’d say she looked just like Jake, but other days he railed because he couldn’t see the resemblance.

Meanwhile, when I held our daughter, she cried. It seemed nothing I did could console her. No matter how much I tried, it felt like I was getting it wrong. It was disheartening, to say the least. The crying wore me down in every way. And I was tired all the time, which didn’t help, and then I’d get suddenly sad or irritated when I looked at her. I’d fall asleep in the living room with her on my chest, even if she was crying. I’d be too lethargic to move.