No sooner do I have bold thoughts like these than my doubts come to the fore. Why must I always be in two minds? From what to wear and what to sew; from whom to see and what to write in letters. I believe I must have never been allowed to make a decision and consequently, when thrust to make them since my parents died, I doubt my own ability to decide even the smallest things. Perhaps I should start small. I should try and practise making decisions on small matters. Perhaps assert my authority in the house more, rather than let my aunt do it. It is my house, after all.

I wonder how Miss Lister manages to run her own estate? She even collects the rents herself sometimes and all the tenants know her. I heard she negotiates herself over the coal mines on her land. I have coal mines on my estate, but they seem to be managed without my interference. Perhaps I should take an interest? I might pay a visit to one and see for myself. That would be a shock to the men – little me, turning up in my pink ribboned bonnet to say good morning. I see why Miss Lister dresses all in black. Although it must be striking for the men to see a woman amongst them, she does not stand out quite as much as I do. I look down at my dainty hands and my feet in embroidered slippers. Perhaps I am not made for coal mines, but I shall endeavour to find out more about my own estate. I shall ask for the finances to be brought to me. I probably will not be able to understand them, but it is high time I took an interest. As my family of money-seekers circle around me, it may be in my interest to know what is at stake.

Chapter Three

Chapter Three

Summer, 1832: A ponderance of futures
as neighbouring heiresses

Miss Lister

This time all she talks about is marriage and family. We sit apart, despite our prior passionate kisses. It is as though her aunt or mine is watching us, even though we are alone. Marian returns from a visit and joins us, removing any chance of another kiss, and I find myself leaving them to their small talk as my mind wanders to more pleasurable things.

Marriage indeed. I thought better of her.